This is interesting. It sounds seems like an advertisment/ you are trying to sell it or something. I'd work on the imagery in this. Be more descriptive, tell us more. Put scents in our noses, sights in our mind, taste in our mouth etc.
Good job!
Kamas
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." ~ Charles Chaplin
"I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy..." — Unnamed Girl from "Mean Girls"
