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That's Hot.

Tcon · 2011-06-14T07:08:33Z

You’re going to laugh at this guy, because this story isn’t one with a happy ending and a beautiful girl kissing a nice boy with killer abs. Well, this dude has a toned bod but still. You know how this ends? With water pouring in all directions. Yes, the main character is wearing a white t-shirt at that point BUT JUST LISTEN AIGHT. Okay. These things always happen on the weekends for some reason. Saturday afternoon. David was going through a literal whirlwind of emotions (his ceiling fan was on “Blast” mode) and it was the date of his date with Dana. Dana, his dream, his fantasy. Yeah, sure, it was Match.com setup and yeah, he was a little unsure of how good she’d be in bed after the third date to Arby’s. But David and Dana were meant to be together, forever and ever, whether his mother approved of it or not. He applied his Axe Dark Temptation deodorant with frantic anxiety and garmented himself in a fresh linen shirt and tasteful khakis: he wanted Dana to approve of his fashion sensibilities but there was no knowing whether he’d meet her expectations. Those were high, high expectations to match, forreal. I ain’t joking; I cannot stress how hig- Anyway, David was nearly ready. He was pumped. This was it: a real date! You could not believe how excited he was for this moment! He was bouncing off the walls, literally. David kicked a vase after some intense parkour/ninja activity. That’s what you do when you’re a straight up G such as David. Word. But he had a few things to take care of; and, of course, being such an immaculate gangsta like most protagonists of romance stories, he accomplished what he needed to do in a fabulous manner. Since David had the strength of Superman and the features of Fabio (besides that awful face, Jesus, that’d be horrific) he jumped off the roof of his cozy one bedroom apartment and landed on two feet like a cunning cat in the middle of the street, simultaneously brushing his perfectly quaffed faux hawk (which, in retrospect, wouldn’t have to be maintained if it was already quaffed…) and fixing his shirt collar so he didn’t look like a popped collar douchebag waiting in line at Armani Exchange. Now he was ready for the date of the century, the rugged gift from God he was. Okay, he pee’d a little bit in anticipation but that’s his sensitive side coming out. The plaza where Dana lived was just around the corner, conveniently located directly across from where David had landed. David made a quick glance at his unsmudged Swiss watch and realized that he had exactly one minute and thirty four and one seventh seconds to make it to Dana and whisk her into his arms and travel the world and smooch her with his remarkably fresh lips which were untainted by post-pubic acne. Did I mention the adjective “fresh”? Yes. Like the veggie aisle at Dominick’s. Picture that. Then, he was off. With a minute and thirty three and one twelfth seconds to spare, David had reached Dana. Sadly, this wasn’t a cheesy meeting like the millions of rom-coms you’ve watched while crying and chomping down Edy’s Double Fudge ice cream at two in the morning after that asshat Craig dumped you for a trailer park tramp. David sort of wished it was at that moment, because this was a bit weird. Somewhat awkward. Extremely unexpected, especially for a former varsity football captain/prom king/Most Likely To Become The Next Taylor Lautner. Oh, I forgot to mention. Dana isn’t a human being. That’s when a spontaneous combustion occurred on the fifth floor of a shoddy factory adjacent to the plaza where Dana and David were having their strangely romantic yet silent interaction, and the fire department came in seconds to get the precious life-saving water stored in Dana’s belly. David was a bit surprised to realize that he had blurted gushingly “You’re the most beautiful fire hydrant I’ve ever seen in my life.” He was in love, true love. This muscular, cut male of twenty two desired to be with Dana for the rest of his life. It’s inexplicable, but Dana made David happy. And when he said softly (with the fire department struggling to get a hose into her crimson belly) “This is perfect. You’re perfect,” he could’ve sworn that he saw Dana blush.

June3

Gender

Points 846

Reviews 42

Wed Jul 13, 2011 11:33 pm

June3 says... · Wed Jul 13, 2011 11:33 pm

I was hilarious! I couldn't stop giggling. It flowed wonderfully, and I couldn't ask you to change a thing! Keep on writing!

There once was a women named Kent,
Whose nose was rather quite bent.
One day I suppose,
She followed her nose,
And nobody knows where she went.
-Unknown

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SunnyHeart27

Gender

Points 1325

Reviews 11

Thu Jul 14, 2011 5:16 pm

SunnyHeart27 says... · Thu Jul 14, 2011 5:16 pm

OMG That's hilarious! *tears of laughter* :L :L Dude, such a funny story xD Mind if I stalk your page for more LOL-arious stories??

Niiice work

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purplepretzel

Gender

Points 1286

Reviews 13

Thu Jul 14, 2011 10:40 pm

purplepretzel says... · Thu Jul 14, 2011 10:40 pm

Wow, great twist! I never saw it coming. Your style is different, it's very real. It had a nice flow and pace, and I never once suspected that Dana was a fire hydrant. xD When you said Dana wasn't human, I almost expected her to be a supernatural creature. Fresh and new, this is the kind of writing style you don't see everyday. Great job; keep writing!

Oh, and how did Daniel get Dana to Arby's? xD

Quote

There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
— Bram Stoker

That's Hot.

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