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I like how you started your story with a hook that had action. I can also tell that you showed not tell because you can tell in the begging how ...

I like how you hook is very intresting by how you make it sound. I wonder if you could have spaced out your paragraphs so it would make it flow ...

I like how you had a wonderful ending an he got what he wanted rice. I like your hook but i wonder if you could decribe it more.I also like ...

Your story was really good the only thing i would try to fix is the beginning sentence because i fell that you need a good hook so you can grave ...