SilverWright

Much better. The commas make you pause to let the line sink in. It looks much more organized now too.

Very good but it leaves something to be desired. I really want to know why her mom killed her dog! I would definitely read a continuation. And, is there a ...

I like this very much. It wouldn't have been very good if every line hadn't contributed something to the poem. I agree with haina though. When reading it, you don't ...

I don't like her music but I do think that this petition goes a liitle far. What will the poor girl think when she sees that 60,000 people really don't ...

Thanks for the replies again. Incandescence , I like your revision but it just doesn't do it for me. I decided to just dive in and totally redo the poem. ...

Interesting to say the least. The first two lines made me laugh. I light a cigarette. I'm standing on my balcony in my rainbow-striped strappy top, light, turquoise cotton shorts ...

Thanks for the comments from both of you. I never really thought of it as provocative, but reading it again, I guess it is. CarsandGuitars77 , sorry to be a ...

Thanks for all the comments! I understood what everyone is trying to say but could you be more specific? I really want to change this around. Incandescence specifically, could you ...

Hawthorne Heights- Ohio is for Lovers Unknown to my knowledge but I love 'em anyway.

Overall, I really like it. But, I agree that it lacks depth. The way you're describing it makes this event seem like something out of a dream for me. I'm ...

Hey! I really liked this seeing as I'm a bit of a cynical person. This seems like something a few guys I know would say. Very original. The first anti-love ...

One day I counted you friend The next you were my foe All because of a few words Cool stares in my direction Cruel words behind my back I better ...

This is about two guys I know. I'd like some constructive critism. Thanks. Vulnerability shones in those baby blues You must be wondering if I care what you have to ...

I guess I speak American but I spell English. Recently, I've read a lot of British fiction particularly fanfiction. So, I find myself spelling gray with an e instead of ...

Pretty good. The only suggestion that I could make would be to change the last line on the eighth stanza. It sort of breaks the rhythm. Someone could make a ...