SilverWright

Much better. The commas make you pause to let the line sink in. It looks much more organized now too.

Very good but it leaves something to be desired. I really want to know why her mom killed her dog! I would definitely read a continuation. And, is there a ...

I like this very much. It wouldn't have been very good if every line hadn't contributed something to the poem. I agree with haina though. When reading it, you don't ...

Thanks for the replies again. Incandescence , I like your revision but it just doesn't do it for me. I decided to just dive in and totally redo the poem. ...

Thanks for the comments from both of you. I never really thought of it as provocative, but reading it again, I guess it is. CarsandGuitars77 , sorry to be a ...

Thanks for all the comments! I understood what everyone is trying to say but could you be more specific? I really want to change this around. Incandescence specifically, could you ...

Pretty good. The only suggestion that I could make would be to change the last line on the eighth stanza. It sort of breaks the rhythm. Someone could make a ...

I really like it. After reading the first few lines, I realized that I would be inclined to read it like she had been stabbed physically. But, I'd much rather ...