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In this simplicity is key. I like your poem, it takes away everything except what you want to say. No extravagant word play. I am an idiot because otherwise you'll ...

First off I want to say that I really like your story. It flows well and has me curious about why Dean's mother hates Lily so much. I would keep ...

I agree with Ice Princess, in the first paragraph especially there's too much information. To be honest it seems like you're summing up what happened in the previous novel. Seeing ...