canislupis

Wow, yeah. *Agrees with the ninja turtle:)* Also too much information for the first couple of paragraphs. Especially in the second one, it's: "he is this, he was that," and ...

Wow. I agree with Shadow, this definitely needs some work. You are using commas excessively, which forms run-on sentences, which causes confusion,................:) Here is my critique: Rose woke up t

Thanks for the PM! Description is good, melodrama generally isn't. redundance isn't good either :) If I were to give an example, I would show you the first sentence: I ...

Wow. Nice dialogue, and description. I found your opening very melodramatic, and many of your phrases are redundant. Miya already pointed out a lot of the things I was wondering ...

Wow. Very long to post just in one bit. The whole thing needs a grammar edit, but choco got alot of the things I would have pointed out. You are ...

Hmmm, plotwise this was good. I found it slightly offputting the was you referred to the therapist as "you/your". Even though it is stylistically correct, I just wasn't really a ...

Ummmm...... ok. What contest was this for? if you were trying to acheive complete confusion, good job. :)

Hi! Good luck with the contest :) Did you know that out of all children's stories, "cinderella" has been remade and rewritten the most? That said, it is pretty hard ...

Interesting idea. I agree with writergirl in that the intro isn't the best, I was afraid your whole story was going that way... But anyway, this seems more like science ...

Yes, I agree with azure. As it is, I can't wait to read more of this! The one part I didn't like was the fact that I've been working on ...

Wow! I am definitely going to keep an eye out for chapter two. Like Aisho said, the title definitely hints something interesting to come:) There are a few little errors ...

Nice. Very fascinating scenario, this piece definitely has potential. I might suggest changing the order and viewpoint of the story, it has a lot of: "she did this, she was ...

Hey! I used to be new :) I guess I sortof still am...... anyway, like it so far!

very unexpected.:) I don't think this is non-fiction though..... at least I hope its not nonfiction.....:D You definitely need to space it out a bit, you should have a new ...

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! why don't you post part of it? I would suggest spacing the paragraphs out more. You do have a few grammar issues, but nothing that is not easily sorted ...