kokobeans

Very clever and well written. My only recommendation is to read through it again a little slower to avoid skimming over the smaller mistakes. *It wasw still (2nd paragraph, 1st ...

A brilliant piece of work. I love the ideas, the plot, the style. You've got a lot of talent. My only recommended changes would be less quotation marks and brackets. ...

This has some really good parts and some not-so-good parts. The middle verse could do with a little more style. I also think it would be better if you added ...

Very gripping, and quite startling. I really like the way you've distanced the reader from the scene, which has more effect than being inside the characters head. It's a hard ...

Interesting. This is really well written. My suggestions: 'jarred', i assume this is the name of the boy, i struggled at the beginning. The word 'never'd' confused me slightly as ...

Amazing. I agree that the verse order could be changed. The 'dark raging land' interupts the dream-like flow a bit. Great use of imagery, you've managed to use a collection ...

This is really good. I have to disagree with snoink, i like the spinning. The reference to 'Him' (i'm assuming God) does confuse me slightly, it doesn't seem to fit, ...

* unfortunately, incredibly vulgar during the conversation I had stopped talking to William because of his vulgar language. Needs a bit more variety I agree with seeminglymeanless. The way this ...

A really good introduction and cliffhanger, i can't wait to read more. Apart from what has already been said; I think in the beginning, connecting with the reader by using ...

Really good, i like the way you've introduced the characters and your ideas, but i think this still needs a few fixes. Variation in the sentence lengths. The constant use ...

wow... descriptive, elegant, complex, absilutely brilliant. I think it would take to long to fully and understand and appreciate this, let alone write it down. So i'll leave it at ...

Very gripping. Complex, but still sweet. I like the way you've really captured the main characters voice (ignore the irony of that, i don't know how else to phrase it). ...

I like it :) It looks like you've got a lot of writing talent, but you still need to get the basics sorted. I'd recomend looking around on the internet, ...

I agree with antara, except i quite like the part: 'It had jammed in his right lung and caused internal bleeding. It was murder'. Stepping from the technical side to ...