This was good, I really liked your revised version. However, the line, "for the fire burns when the tide turns." Didn't fit quite right. It just didn't match the rhythm. But, it was a good poem. Keep writing.
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka
“Can a magician kill a man by magic?” Lord Wellington asked Strange.
Strange frowned. He seemed to dislike the question. “I suppose a magician might,” he admitted, “but a gentleman never could.” — Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Keep writing.
