Perfect Sin (Provisions)

So I was thinking about my other poem, The End, and reading poetry on the site and this kind of floated into my head with no real effort from me whatsoever, convenient.
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Perfect Sin
By: Rory Legend

He led to deceive,
and deceive he did.
For everything I believed,
I gave up for him.

Breathing in,
and breathing out,
he offered sweet freedom
he portrayed no doubt.

The steps went wrong.
The music turned sour.
Yet he still smiled,
and I believed in his power.

That smile which played
across his face;
was gone so sudden,
with out a trace.

A bed of lies,
was all it took.
One night to try,
one night to look.

It's what I want,
It's what I've been.
It's all I need,
the perfect sin.
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please tell me what you think!

This was interesting and original. Mostly I'd just go over the punctuation and grammatical stuff.
You misspelled 'deceive'.
But I didn't really get it, I have to admit. Much as I liked it, I had a hard time understanding what it was really about and what emotion you were trying to bring through. You should probably work that out.
I think that's about it. Just, again, go over your punctuation again.

Keep writing!


*adna*

Hi I am SCL or SimonCowellLuver. I am here to say your poem is very good I love it but I saw some grammatical errors so i am going to help fix them ok.

He led to decieve (you need a comma here)
and decieve he did.
For everything I believed,
I gave up for him.

Breathing in ( you need a comma here)
and breathing out,
he offered sweet freedom
he portrayed no doubt ( you need a period here)

Well That is all i have to critique for today. Have a good day. If you have any questions feel free to PM me anytime.

TTYL SCL

Another very good poem.

To repeat those above you do have a few spelling errors and grammatical problems. Other than that the poem was extremely well written.

Stanzas 2 and 6 are my favorite. They hold such strength and demonstrate your great writing abilities.

Ah! Quite grand!

I love your topic (isn't the devil fun to work with ^-^); it can be a tough subject because it can get cliche really easily, but you totally rocked it! Great word choice too!

~Nightfall

The steps went wrong.
The music turned sour.
Yet he still smiled,
and I believed in his power.

I really liked these lines. It's very visual.

It's what I want,
It's what I've been.
It's all I need,
the perfect sin.

I believe this is an example of some incredible word choice!

Not only do I like this concept, but I really liked your word choice. I fully understand this. And like nightfall said, this can be pretty tough, but you pulled it off gracefully in a unique and powerful way.
Gold star for you!

thanks to everyone for the crits, I'm glad most of you liked it! It is only like the second poem I have written.