This was good, I really liked your revised version. However, the line, "for the fire burns when the tide turns." Didn't fit quite right. It just didn't match the rhythm. But, it was a good poem. Keep writing.
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka
If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet. — Neil Gaiman
Keep writing.
