A Foggy Glass: Chapter 3

A vague topic description, but it will make sense as you read the chapter anyway. Picks up from where the first two chapters leave off. Michael Bane is going to what he considers to be his 'home':

oh this is great.

I'm loving it.


There were a few bits that felt too wordy, and I still feel that you need to settle on how your individual characters speak. Some of the time one of them with say "ya" and then other times they say "you."
There were also a few clumsy wordings but I've altered them in the attachment.

Really, it's a great piece, and I'm hooked.
It just needs a bit of tightening up in places.

Much obliged. I'll keep that in mind when a new part gets put out...

Well, I had no idea what to change, so I'll tell it to you like it is.

first.
you had lots of things you should have.

You got all the basic stuff.

2ND.
what you need is more action, adventure, FUN.

then if you heed me advise, you may be well on your way to creating this GREAT story.
MATT

Krupp wrote:A vague topic description, but it will make sense as you read the chapter anyway. Picks up from where the first two chapters leave off. Michael Bane is going to what he considers to be his 'home':

I loved it.