Bubbling

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simplycomplex
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Tue Sep 28, 2010 10:13 pm
simplycomplex says... · Tue Sep 28, 2010 10:13 pm
Sort of a random poem I wrote kind of recently. Feel free to rip it to shreds if you wish to, but I'd really appreciate some tips on how to improve. I hope you like it. :)

Bubbling, bubbling,
A white sea of foam.
Happily, happily,
through it my child roams.

Oh, how careless these days
When a bathtub of bubbles
Was an intricate maze.

Smiling, giggling,
Everything is fun.
But sore arms, back ache,
When I clean the bubble scum.
Do we not all agree to call rapid thought and noble impulse by the name of inspiration?
- George Eliot


"It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart."
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Calligraphy
Gender Female
Points 12193
Reviews 275
Wed Sep 29, 2010 2:17 am
Calligraphy says... · Wed Sep 29, 2010 2:17 am
words I would take out

Bubbling, bubbling,
A white sea of foam.
Happily, happily,
through it my child roams. This line made me think of a beach not a bath tub. This line also doesn't go with the rhythm.

Oh, how careless these days

~~~

Smiling, giggling,
Everything is fun.
But, sore arms, back ache,
When I clean the bubble scum.


Hope I helped,

A. S.
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I always knew that deep down in every human heart, there is mercy and generosity. No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
— Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom