"Hey," said Shadow. "Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are."
The bird turned, head tipped suspiciously on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes.
"Say 'Nevermore,' " said Shadow.
"Bite me," said the raven
I have to say, I really like the title but I feel like it is too short. While historically a short poem has accomplished a lot (William Carlos Williams), this feels like a small fragment of a story. There are definitely some missing components here. I would suggest building around this, though. It's a good start...who is the "you?" What are the doing and why? What is their relation to one another? What are they trying to achieve?
It is a good start, but I need to know more - as it stands, this poem gives me nothing to relate to. Who are you talking to, why do you want to fly away, and how does the person understand? I don't understand, because you haven't given me enough information here. Build on this.
Yeah, if a poem is going to be short, it needs to be really hard-hitting to leave an impression. I think what Chevy and Matt says is right, this could be very good (not that it's not good) if it was expanded and built on a bit. Maybe dabble in a bit of imagery etc..
"Sometimes we see a cloud that's dragonish,
A vapour sometimes like a bear or lion,
A towered citadel, a pendant rock,
A forked mountain, or blue promontory,
With trees upon't that nod unto the world,And mock our eyes with air.."
Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts. — Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind
