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Last edited by Gadi. on Tue Mar 18, 2008 5:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 370
Hiya!

Just a quick point - be sure to capitalise all 'I's and the first letters of lines.

that was washed only
to dirty the water.


I liked this bit, nice little similie there.


i see you,
and i sigh
because i remember that
once i looked at you,

and i saw you,
like a red sunrise,
not a sunset
but a sunrise, red and

beautiful, clean,
but now you are only
an old woman
who i remember.

i see you,
and i am pugilistic
ready to stand up for
a wrinkle on your cheek.


You need a lit of puntuation there, it is very hard to read as it is.

Aside from that, I really liked your poem! The message is very nice and I think the idea is very original. The imagery was great to begin with, but sort of... fell down as it progressed.

Not much more to say!

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.



Education is education. We should learn everything and then choose which path to follow. Education is neither Eastern or Western; it is human.
— Malala