Pluto

4 posts
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Dallas Tillman
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 15
Fri Feb 27, 2009 5:24 am
Dallas Tillman says... · Fri Feb 27, 2009 5:24 am
Standing on foreign ground
To distant to recieve your warming rays.
The ice on my barren surface
Wraps around me like a frozen blanket
Ever longing for you to come nearer
And release me from this lonely prison.
Here I stand, an outsider in your eyes.
Alone and unnoticed, on the edge of your sight.
And as I sit here and solemnly remember
About the times you considered me one,
I ask that pivotal question:
Am I still your equal?
Or do you render me as none?
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WatashiNoHeiwa
Gender Female
Points 790
Reviews 2
Fri Feb 27, 2009 9:54 pm
WatashiNoHeiwa says... · Fri Feb 27, 2009 9:54 pm
Hmm, wellll~
I like it, it's a nice idea~ I don't know what to say, I'm hopeless at reviews... *Doomed* But,
Dallas Tillman wrote:Too distant to recieve your warming rays.

is how it should be ^_^
And, haha, it's probably not important, because it's just a figure of speech, but you say 'Standing on foreign ground' then 'As I sit here' hehe, I just think that's quite funny. I told you I'm hopeless...
Oh, and I think
Dallas Tillman wrote:About the times you considered me one,

Might sound better as 'time'...?
:D
私の平和
WatashiNoHeiwa
Peace Of Me
~By Natasha Bedingfield
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Explosive_Pen
Gender Female
Points 6396
Reviews 273
Sat Feb 28, 2009 4:44 pm
Explosive_Pen says... · Sat Feb 28, 2009 4:44 pm
Hi there! Welcome to YWS! I'm a critique this for you, 'kay?

Dallas Tillman wrote:Standing on foreign ground
Too distant to recieve your warming rays.
The ice on my barren surface
Wraps around me like a frozen blanket,
Ever longing for you to come nearer
And release me from this lonely prison.
Here I stand, an outsider in your eyes,
Alone and unnoticed, on the edge of your sight.
And as I sit here and solemnly remember Nix the "and".
About the times you considered me one, Nix the "about" and "times" should be time
I ask that pivotal question:
Am I still your equal?
Or do you render me as none?


Ah, yes. Dear Pluto. Stupid scientists. Pluto is SO still a planet. :roll:
But seriously now, great job! Just a few technical issues, but that's all. :D
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."
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rothwise
Gender Female
Points 263
Reviews 48
Sat Feb 28, 2009 6:31 pm
rothwise says... · Sat Feb 28, 2009 6:31 pm
only one thing i think you should change, and that is that in the second line it should be "too" :) other than that I found everything perfectly fine! I really liked this and totally got the meaning of it and the feeling behind the words.

you're realllly good and i say keep writing!
Have faith! With a dashing hero like me on the case, how can we fail?
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4 posts


It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien