The Break

Tin foil beating against sugar,
Mentally, physically, collegiately;
It’s a smooth ride down, but you should
Cover your rock scrapes.
Swaying, just brushing the brittle brick wall,
I remember its absence, its construction,
But not the feeling of either.
It all boiled down to a pair of red shoes,
A composition book with a page yanked out,
A rock that was just a rock.

Here I stand, here
I stood the same, save some words,
Some hopes, and here
I will stand ‘til someone moves me.
I see as far as my eyelids, my wishlist dreams;
The wallpaper curves,
And the sides hesitate to touch.

It all came down to one.
I slipped.

I liked the end of this poem.

Here I stand, here

Sound a little bit funny. it's better if you remove the here. It will be much better. Anyway, it's a good one and keep on writing because practice makes prefect.

Keep writing, Alicia

Hello, Sicklee!

This poem was good. The flow was a bit choppy, but it was good.

Suggestion: One thing I'd suggest is re-wording some things. Especially the first stanza. The words you used broke up the flow because they were un-commonly used words. The reader has to stop and think about what the words mean.

I liked the imagery I got from the poem.

Good work.

-RedRaven