Tomorrow, yesterday, but never today

Alright, bear with me on this one I literally JUST wrote it as I was sitting typing it us, so this is LITERALLY the first draft. Not even a paper trail. It's a bit confusing and I only fully understood where I was going with this once I got to the last line, so read it twice if you don't fully understand it the first time. It is a bit confusing. Thanks in advance for the help .


I miss what once had been,
crave what will become,
desire what I do not have,
and forget where I am from.

I live in the tomorrow,
forget about today.
Then I live in the memories
as though I've hit replay.

I forget about the present.
Remember only what was
or could someday be.
I forget about my current life,
and instead wish to be free.

Free like I was,
free like I will be,
the freedom that life
doesn't want me to see.

Tomorrow, yesterday, but never today
I was free
I will be free
but you never know, what freedom shall truly be.

This is really good. I love the rhyming scheme and it's simple and to the point. Your writing is very light and easy to read. I used to love poems that rhymed because I used to think it wasn't poetry unless it rhymed. Naive, right? Anyway, now I'm more into blank verse and just any type of poetry that doesn't rhyme. But this is the first poem with a rhyming scheme that I've actually liked. It's not cheesy or dramatic, it's just great.

Hello Truth here for a review! So first, I must say that this is really good for a first draft.

wewinwelose wrote:
I miss what once had been,
crave what will become,
desire what I do not have,
and forget where I am from. I really loved that first stanza. That miss/crave/desire/forget thing is awesome

I live in the tomorrow,
forget about today.
Then I live in the memories
as though I've hit replay.

I forget about the present.
Remember only what was
or could someday be.
I forget about my current life,
and instead wish to be free. Now, as I read the rest... I just felt as if the theme I saw up there just came back too much. I like that you are perusing it throughout the poem, but I feel like 'forget' comes back quite a bit in there... instead of repeating over and over again, try explaining maybe the story behind it? Just a suggestion of course

Free like I was,
free like I will be,
the freedom that life
doesn't want me to see.

Tomorrow, yesterday, but never today
I was free
I will be free
but you never know, what freedom shall truly be.

Other than that, no mistakes Great job. I liked very much
Keep on writing!

-Truth-

I loved it! It was something I could relate to and was kind of sad, and just good. I find nothing wrong with it at all. So, good job.

Ooh I loved this!!! It's awesome! I love the meaning behind it and the rhyming was good except in one small place hardly mentionable.

I forget about the present.
Remember only what was
or could someday be.
I forget about my current life,
and instead wish to be free.

"Remember only what was or could someday be." Threw me off a bit, I don't know why, but the flow or rhyme wasn't QUITE as good here. I'm thinking taking out the "only" would help a lot....but maybe that's just me. It just seems like it would read easier/better without it.

This was a very good poem for a first draft. Your imagery was great and your spelling and grammar were perfect. You had I great idea and I wouldn't change it. (Mainly because I'm not a poet.) But anyway, great job!

Tyler.

Are you crazy? (no pun intended) this was awesome especially seeing as though you just wrote it as a writer dome of our greatest pieces come int he spur of the moments.You have great potential keep a pen and paper handy.

Thanks everyone, I'm glad most of you liked it