Oh Moon

Oh Moon
Sphere of silver
Tell me
Why is it that I feel
Like I can grasp you
between my thumb and forefinger
Like a cratered coin
But every time I’ve crushed you
You remain

Sun of the Romantics

Hey! Welcome to YWS! I love your username.

I actually really liked this poem. This is a good example of how poetry doesn't have to be very complex and wordy to be impressive. I like the atmosphere you create. However, I would like to see some punctuation – then again, I'm not sure whether the very atmosphere would be disturbed if you went added commas and periods. I think you should try it in any case.

Like I can grasp you between my thumb
And forefinger

I thought the line break was a little weird in this part. How about if you had "Like I can grasp you / between my thumb and forefinger"? That's the most obvious solution that I would've probably ended up making.

But every time I think I’ve crushed you

This line broke the flow; it's too long. I hope you'll find another way to say this. It would perhaps add some paradoxality (that's probably not a word) if you deleted the 'I think' and had "But everytime I've crushed you / You remain". I don't know. Your choice.

So, try some punctuation and fix those couple of bits, and I'll be happy. Very nice job.


Demeter
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