Queer Inklings

It feels like I'm fighting a war. A war against Trump's utter shit. I'm so tired of hearing about what he said now. Or what he blamed trans people for. Trans rights are on the ballot right now in my state and I'm so scared. Whenever I go out in public I make sure I don't dress too much like a guy. But I want to feel comfortable in my own skin but my gender identity is constantly fluctuating and it's so hard. Some days I want to cut all my hair off and be a guy. Some days I feel a bit like a girl and I love doing my hair. Some days I don't feel like I have gender and I can't find anything to wear that I feel comfortable in. Sometimes it changes in the middle of the day and boy does the gender dysphoria hit. It was easy enough to deal with over the summer but with school it's impossible.
I brought up buying chest binders to my mom a few weeks ago and she wasnt big on the idea. I've been making my own out of elastic and old tank tops in an attempt to feel more comfortable. But unfortunately I can't quite figure out where I'm going wrong with it. They're not quite working out right. Currently making another one. I came out to my family as nonbinary early in the summer and my siblings immediately latched onto this idea of new genders. Now they go around proclaiming their new genders to everyone. They're 8 and 10. Im scared they're going to get hurt. When I come out to my grandparents it won't be good. And they don't understand that. I'm scared they're going to announce their genders to our grandparents and I'll be outed in the process. I've talked to them and they don't understand. Having a new gender is novel and fun. They don't understand what it entails for them and our family.

i know now that i am a lesbian not because i disliked kissing a man or because my old crushes on guys were superficial. i know it because when i imagine the rest of my life spent never loving a woman again, it depresses me to no end. i think that there might be a piece of me missing if that were to happen.
for so long i've struggled with whether or not i was attracted to men. i heard it tossed around a lot that "being lesbian has nothing to do with men" and i didn't get it for the longest time. i think i get it now. and while a part of me is relieved that i have "figured it out" (i'm sure i'll have another crisis over it soon enough) it fills me with a sense of dread.
i have no "other option" that will please my parents. i am unable to reason with myself and say that i can love who i want while keeping them in my life. if they don't support me, i am either stuck with a husband, forever missing something, or i am stuck without the people who made me who i am.
it's a choice i'll have to make eventually. i think it colors everything i do.