My only problem was the position of people in the scene where Ariel and Sarah Show up. Where is Kyle, exactly? I imagined him looking out the door, but still in the doorway, then Ariel is behind him? And john was (initially) facing towards him? So that when he turned around to see Ariel, Jon was behind him. This came off odd, was Kyle looking into the room, at Jon? Or did Ariel come from inside the room? It didn't make much sense to me, but you know I'm a poor reader at times ^^
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
Stupid Ariel! If she would just leave them all alone! She ruins all of the "moments".
And yeah, ouch, Kyle and his mouth always seem to get him in trouble. *pats Jon* Jon is all crippled now...what is he going to do to defend himself against Ariel! And without Kyle and Sarah! Can't wait to read the next, Great Job!
~Rieda
I love, love.
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!*
Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. — Captain James T. Kirk
