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BLAHAHAHABAH! Hourglass, enjoy...

Elelel · 2005-06-14T08:35:27Z

This is great! I like how the stuff he's writing kind of mixes with what's happening around him. Unfortunatly, I need to read more of the previous Hourglasses to truly understand what's going on (and that's difficult because there is absolutley no way of finding the order they should go in). You're too good for me to find bad points honestly. I may see a bit that I think could be better, or that doesn't quite flow as well as it could, but I'd be too scared to mention it. Because if I'm wrong and you point it out, I'd look really stupid. And you don't make many mistakes. If I were a little better than you (and able to find even a few mistakes) I'd find the errors and point them put no matter how insignificat they are, because I think when you're good at something you need to be pushed into being better instead of just coasting. Like my art and my english teachers. I'm pretty good at both, but I get A+'s in Art and only A's in English because my English teacher marks me a little harsher and tries to make me be perfect before he'll give me full marks, whereas my art teacher thinks I'm perfect, gives me the A+ then tells everyone else how good I am (which is humiliating). I feel myself wanting to do better at English than at art, no matter how much homework it takes, no matter how many rewrites I have to do. I want to be better. In Art, I'm happy to coast. Now there was a point behind that speach, but just hold out for a moment. See my little dilema? I want to find every tinsy mistake you make and tell you about it ... and hopefully make you want to improve yourself. But I saw your critique of Happy Lizard's story, and you picked heaps of things I'd missed (and a few I didn't say because she's my little sister after all ... and you saw that I can be a little protective of her). So I know I'm going to end up making myself look stupid, but, *deep breath* I'm going in ... PS the point behind the speach is to try and get you to understand this, so that if I fail to push you, then you may push youself anyway. Don't be satisfied with "Yeah, that's great!" as being the best you can acheive. Don't let yourself get away with things just because people can't spot them. As light surrenders to dark, the print in my copybook grows fainter and fainter. With each passing moment, I rely more and more heavily on the waning, faltering candle resting upon the desk in front of me Lovely starting bit, it gives me a good image to build on as more things are added. BUT (ok, I'm building my courage to say this ... ) I don't like "waning, faltering" like that, with both of them together there. I say cut one, and maybe move one somewhere else, in another descriptive sentence or something, so that you still use that word somewhere (hey, they're good words, I'd sure want them both). Mother sits in a rickety old chair that had obviously been quite a fine thing, once. I like this effect, and use it often myself, of saying something was once good ... but is pretty much trash now. But I could see where you were going with it because you introduced it as "a rickety old chair" before you actually get to the "once". So it doesn't really give the desired affect. Also, I don't know, there wasn't much "art" in this sentence either. I say writing has an element of art in it, because you construct stories with words and sentences so that the just sing to each other, and work perfectly (in case you haven't noticed, I'm a perfectionist). This sentence didn't have that (whatever it is. There's probably a word for it, but I don't know it). Her knitting needles collide periodically, slowly transforming a clump of blue wool thread into a blanket, a wedding gift for the soon-to-be Elisa Hackthridge. Hmmm ... "wool thread". Not how I'd say it ... but then I suck at knitting and sewing and stuff, so I don't know the technicalities. But I had a home ec. teacher who would rip you appart if you called the thin cotton stuff "cotton", you had to call it "thread". So, I'm not sure "thread" is the word I'd be using there. Maybe just leave it as "blue wool" and not have teh thread at all. I would envy him, but in that I would show weakness, which would...be basically suicidal, considering the torture that he can inflect. I don't know about the dot dot dots there . A few words earlier, yes. There ... I'm not sure. But that could go either way. *"inflect" should be "inflict" ... unless that's a word I haven't heard of, which is pretty likely. I copy this ten times into the book, carefully, neatly, for good marks. Haha ahaha!!! Maybe that's just me ... but I thought that was FUNNY!!! Just have someone being so obbviously neat for the sake of a few marks, I've never really known anyone did that when they wanted to get on a teachers good side but me!!! I look up for a moment as Mother pushes her knitting onto the floor and rises to pad over to the front to welcome our caller. I think it should be "and welcome the caller" instead of "to welcome the caller" There's a slight shuffle of feet, and I suppose that he is bowing. Not sure about the "and" there. My Mother cuts him short, obviously not understanding that a large portion of the male ego is based upon power, of long, important titles. Poor fellow. He he!!! Funny!!! There is a cold silence. Since it's you, I'm going to tell you to do better than this. I mean, that'd pass, and well with most people, but I don't know if that situation calls for a "to be" verb, if you know what I mean. Sometimes "to be" fits ... other times it fits, but it's not the perfect word for that particular situation. That's the case here. I think you could be a little poetic here, go on about the cold silence freezing everything in the house ... but something better thought up that that, and obviously better worded. Two identical tears run in looping, spiraling patterns down her freckled, slightly-sunburnt cheeks. Looping spiraling patterns isn't exactly how I'd describe tears running down a face. But it's good how you described the tears as identical, it kind of tells ther reader that this isn't a "in theory" idea, if you know what I mean. I theory, the chances tears would run perfectly idntiacally aren't all the high, but in practice it happens. It just makes things seem more real, and better thought out. Master Verplanck, get off my goddamn case and let me have your daugher, let me live, do not torture me so... I'd put a fullstop after "daughter" instead of a comma. I slam the book shut and take the sharp end of the quill, lodging it as far into the leather cover as my weak arms will allow. I don't know if "lodging" is a strong enough verb for the feelings you are trying to convey Luke (that's his name, isn't it?) is feeling. Well, I've already said it's good, so I'll finish up by saying: Did you like my critique?