Breaking Dawn Parody

Winter's Twelfth Night · 2009-01-04T23:57:37Z

Breaking Dawn Parody, Script Characters: Edward Bella Charlie Priest Carlisle Rosalie Jacob Stephenie Meyer Winter's Twelfth Night BELLA: [sitting in car waiting for EDWARD] Oh my gosh, I hate Edward for giving me this amazing car! I definitely should not be grateful. It makes me feel so self-conscious! EDWARD: [walks over to car and opens door] Bella! [Flings himself on her] I haven’t seen you for like...like… a whole hour! I thought you were dead! Don’t ever, ever, leave me like that again! You didn’t even call me. BELLA: Edward, I just had to get a sweatshirt from Charlie’s house. I was gone for like ten minutes. Why are you freaking out? I’m not dead. EDWARD: Oh. Right. Well then I forgive you. But you better watch your behavior, young lady. I’m an extremely hot, perfect guy and I’m sure that I could find another fiancé who won’t go missing for whole hours. BELLA: What?!? [faints and then goes into New Moon mode] EDWARD: Oh crap, I forgot about that. Bella? I didn’t mean it. Come on, you’re being so dramatic. BELLA: [sits up really quickly at the sound of EDWARD’s voice and smacks her head on the ceiling of the car] Ow. EDWARD IS THAT YOU???!!! Oh my God, I thought I would have to kill myself. [flings herself on EDWARD] EDWARD: Ummm….. [Cut to the wedding. BELLA is standing at the end of the aisle with CHARLIE. They begin to walk.] BELLA: [aside to CHARLIE] Yay Daddy! I’m getting marr- [Trips on nothing and falls on her face] CHARLIE: God, Bella, you’re so uncoordinated. BELLA: [gets up from floor with a bloodstained dress] Dad my nose is broken. It’s bleeding everywhere. CHARLIE: [chuckles] You’ll be fine. Keep walking. [They proceed down the aisle creating a trail of blood drops. EDWARD is trying very hard not to break into a fit of giggles. They reach the altar and the PRIEST says all the marriage stuff] PRIEST: You may now kiss the bride. [BELLA smiles, the lower part of her face is caked in blood] EDWARD: Oh, um, ok. [Grimaces and quickly kisses BELLA, who frowns. Everyone claps and they all leave for dinner.] [Cut to dinner] BELLA: [walks over to EDWARD and slaps him. Her hand goes flying across the room and hits ROSALIE in the back of the head. ROSALIE screams] Ow! My hand! It’s gone! Your face took my hand off! EDWARD: Wait, what? I didn’t feel anything. Oh I’m sorry, were you trying to hurt me? [falls on the floor laughing hysterically] BELLA: Edward! My hand is detached from my body!! Stop rolling on the floor! Somebody go get Carlisle! [CARLISLE staggers over to BELLA and falls on top of EDWARD, giggling uncontrollably. Apparently he has had a little too much wine.] BELLA: Oh screw this, I’m gonna go talk to Jacob. [BELLA walks over to where JACOB is sulking in a corner] BELLA: Hey Jacob. Look what Edward did to my hand. [Shows her bloody stump of an arm] Doesn’t that make you angry? Don’t you want to fight him now? JACOB: Yes. I love you. You love me too. Look, I grew my hair long for you. And I’m smiling. Will you make out with me in front of everyone in the room? BELLA: Well, I don’t know. I’m married now, I’m not sure if I should do that. JACOB: Come on Bella. It doesn’t count if your husband is a vampire. BELLA: Really? Well ok then. [JACOB and BELLA make out very passionately. Intense moment. EDWARD sees and marches over to them. DUH DUH DUUUHHHHHH!] EDWARD: I KILL YOU!!!!! [Kills Jacob with his incredible vampire blood-sucking abilities!] JACOB: [dies] BELLA: OMG Edward! That was not very nice! Why would you do that? Why?? He was my only friend!! Now apologize. EDWARD: Apologize? But Bella, I don’t think you understand- BELLA: Edward, apologize to him NOW! EDWARD: But- ok. I’m sorry Jacob. BELLA: Thank you. I’m sure he forgives you. STEPHENIE MEYER: [suddenly appears next to EDWARD and BELLA] I think I need to add a few more words to this script to make it good. Let’s see… umm… well God-like, of course. What else… dazzle. And… umm... topaz. And beautiful. Masochistic, for sure. And cold and icy. And God-like. And icy. DAZZLE! There, perfect. You may continue with your script now. WINTER'S TWELFTH NIGHT: Umm, thanks. You just ruined my script. Now I can’t continue because of the horrid repetition. STEPHENIE MEYER: Hey, using those words makes me sound smart. Without them my story would be lacking good word choice. WINTER: Well, it already lacks plot and interesting characters so why not add a little repetition? I understand completely. STEPHENIE MEYER: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WINTER: So, you enjoy writing about nothing, then? MEYER: Oh yes I- OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!! LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!! [runs over to CARLISE who is still giggling on the ground] That looks like FUN!! [lies down on the ground and giggles uncontrollably next to CARLISLE] EDWARD: Is that the one that wrote my story? BELLA: I believe that it is in fact my story, Edward. EDWARD: Ha! I laugh at you! If it were not for my beautifulness this series would not have sold even ten copies. BELLA: But I'm uncoordinated! Isn't that fun to read about? WINTER: It's fun to watch! BELLA: [falls on MEYER] MEYER: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! WEEEEEEE!!!! EDWARD: Bella!! Are you ok? BELLA: [Starts to sob] [EDWARD picks BELLA up off the ground and comforts her] EDWARD: It's ok Bella. It's ok. Stephenie Meyer won't hurt you. WINTERr: [Rolls her eyes and leaves] MEYER: [suddenly becomes serious and stands up] Or will I? Maybe I am the Volturi in disguise!! EDWARD: Nice disguise. MEYER: Why thank you! My son made it for me. Isn't it beautiful? EDWARD: Quite. BELLA: Edward she's going to hurt me again! Don't let her hurt me!!!! EDWARD: No no, Bella. This is the person that CREATED you! And more importantly, she is the one who created ME! BELLA: Oh, ok then. MEYER: Or am I?

TreeHugger12

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Sun Jan 24, 2010 12:58 pm

TreeHugger12 says... · Sun Jan 24, 2010 12:58 pm

fragile_heart(!) wrote:OMG
HAHAHA
I was literally laughing out loud. My mom gave me one of those 'my daughter is crazy for bursting out into hysterical laughter over nothing' looks.
Ahhh... *wipes eyes from tears*
Haa.
Wow,
you made my like... year.
:]

I know what you mean girl, my mom did the exact same thing to me. And, I was wondering if I could turn that into a play or a mini movie. It's soooo (forgive me if i broke the rules there) funny! Keep writing! This stuff is awesome!

Repensum est canicula.

Veni, vidi, nates calce concidi!

Onyxsky7

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Mon Jun 28, 2010 7:26 pm

Onyxsky7 says... · Mon Jun 28, 2010 7:26 pm

This was funny as h*** especially the bit about her wanting to kill herself and tripping over nothing. You should
have said something about the vampires tearing her a new one when her nose started bleeding though

HelloKittyFreak777

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Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:37 am

HelloKittyFreak777 says... · Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:37 am

ROFL! I literally laughed out loud! I love how Charlie is such an a-ahole to Bella! Especially at her wedding! Because nothing says fatherly love like verbal abuse!

"Gosh Bella! You;re so uncooridnated"! lmao. but i like how true it was. it's seriously just Breaking Dawn in a nut shell. MAKE MORE! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?!?!? AND PS Edward has no personality