1st official chapter in "Bruisted&Broken"

because its a little over 3 pages in word, this is the link to my blog on blogger. this will make it much easier to read. if u havent read the first part, you will have to scroll to the bottom and read the first entree, but if u have already read it, then the new chapter is the first one please read and review

http://aspirekatieanne.blogspot.com/

Hello, Katie!

Welcome to YWS! I'm June, your reviewer for the moment. Before I begin, I want to remind you of the 2:1 ratio policy rule we have here; for every one piece you submit, you should complete two reviews prior to your submission.

Never worry about length-- just post the parts in a few different posts with numbers [part 1, [1] [1.5] and so on] for titles.

Anyway, I skimmed over your story. I'm not especially fond of your plot or anything-- stories about abused teenagers are pretty common. Nevertheless, there's always room for them to be unique.


I didn't really enjoy how fast-paced it was. Your character's anger was a little difficult to understand, as was her father's. I understand they've had a bad history and whatnot, but there hasn't been much done to spark it into a full-blown physical feud.

Her mother died. Okay, we get this: but is this really how a person would react? I say no; imagine if this was you-- would you react this way? It's too clear to her all at once, and it shouldn't be. I'd expect a lot more confusion.

Also! Your tenses change a bit. Your language wavers, and your punctuation could use improvement. Remember that caps are not preferred in writing; italics are much better.

If you'd like me to do a line-by-line on this, I'd be more than willing.

June

I liked it. I thought it was really good. Are you writing more? The only thing that I would do is make your paragraphs shorter. The seem really long on some of them, but you don't have to, Because its your story. But i was just telling you some tips. Well hope you write more=]




--Jessiee.