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The Story (PG-13 for sensitive subject)

Ross · 2010-03-20T15:56:28Z

I'm Deaf, and I have been since I was born. I'm gay, and I have been since I was born. Those two identities are fused together, braided in my DNA. In one of my first memories ever, I recall snuggling up to a Deaf boy in first grade, even going as far as to lay my head on his shoulder. My two identities were wound together in that single moment. I do not know how to be Deaf without being gay. And I do not know how to be gay without being Deaf. I treat my life as such. If a person knows I'm Deaf, makes allowances for it, tries to enunciate clearly, I'll tell the person I'm gay. This careful method of coming out has allowed me to sort the good from the bad. The worst reaction I've ever had from a hearing person was discomfort. From a hearing person. The first person I came out to was Deaf. He was my best friend. He said okay, and then changed the subject, wanting to know about my latest story. From there, he set the bar high for Deaf people accepting me. The second time I came out to a deaf person, it was 2 years later and I was a high school freshman. He spread it around the DHH (Deaf/Hard of Hearing) program. From thereon, I experienced severe harassment, mostly because I was a homosexual. I left that school in the middle of the year with low self-esteem and a new understanding of the world. But even now, I don't understand the DHH kids. They were Deaf. They had experienced being shunned from the world. Why did they not accept that I was gay and just get over it? I didn't embody homosexuality as my only trait. I was a writer, I was a music lover and a social butterfly. Why did they harp on something that made me different, when they had experience being different just like me? I never found out the answer. But I kept coming out. I came out to a friend, who later told me she was a lesbian. I didn't come out to two close friends, but when I told them I thought a guy was hot, they argued with me about my preferences. They never batted an eyelash at the thought that I was gay. Mind you, I have had a strong reaction to coming out in general. But that's mostly because my way of coming out was unorthodox. I kissed a Deaf boy in Aug '08, my first kiss. From there, he shunned me and got a girlfriend. (Got a little something scurrying around in your closet, guy?) My own parents are hearing. My mother has a lesbian sister, so she knew everything how being LGBT. My father was one of those who expressed discomfort. He said he didn't care, but since then he's expressed a certain amount of ignorance, which has thankfully lessened over the years. I dream about impossibles when it comes to boyfriends. I dream about some sensitive writer/musician who wasn't all that into physical connection, but the emotional connection. My interpreter told me the emotional connection would never happen. "Gay people are known as very promiscuous," she said. "Like I have this gay friend. He has a partner, but one night, he was going to fuck another man!" After some strong denials from my gay friends that there wasn't only that type in the gay community, I dismissed that assumption as horseshit. But feelings of doubt still lingered inside me. I talked with a friend on homosexuality itself, touching onto views and biology. What she told me was enough to make me feel proud of myself. "Gay people are promiscuous? So are straight people. There are categories of people, no matter who you love," she said. "And also, homosexuality isn't something you can change, Ross. It's like your skin color or your eye color. It's always going to be inside you, no matter what you decide to do." But what about religion? I was a born-and-raised Christian, and Letivicus explicitly told people homosexuality was wrong. How could I be a Christian and be gay? My doubting thoughts changed when I read The God Box by Alex Sanchez. The protagonist of that book is a closeted homosexual and a strong Christian. But he falls in love (naturally) with a out gay person. He's also a strong Christian. So how did religion and sexuality meet in the middle? Homosexuality is everywhere. Monkeys get it on with other same-sex monkeys. Male dogs mount other male dogs. Homo sapiens is the only species that really has a strong reaction. If God made everything, why did he make people gay? We'll never know the answer, but we know gay people don't go to hell because of their sexuality. Now I am at ease with myself. I still take my time with people on coming out because of freshman year, but I am confident I'll be able to be generally find an accepting crowd. Who knows, I might even find a boyfriend?