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Romance scene.

ToritheMonster · 2010-06-23T20:53:45Z

Alright, so I'm writing this book, and I have to write a kissing scene because... well, I do. But I have never, ever written one before now. Never. So, this probably needs a lot of work. And so, I turn to you, good people of YWS. Please help me with my kissing scene. What is wrong with it? Is it too nasty? I need some good critiques Also, it's only kissing, but I rated it 16+ just to be safe. Please, do not hesitate to tell me this is the worst scene you've ever read in your life. I'll re-write it as many times as I need to. *Awkward intake of air* Gah. I feel icky. Okay... well... here it is, in the spoiler. The stuff in italics is just what you need to know to understand it, it's not actually part of the scene. Okay, so, Sara is the main character.Nothing special about her, although she does have a taste for anything that's bad for her. She's in the house of Eosphoros, or Oros for short.He's quite attractive. Both Oros and his sister, Nerezza, have super powers, so the stuff about invisible forces- well, yeah. Earlier in the story, Oros attempted to kiss Sara, but never followed through. Sara isn't even sure if he meant to.Oros is crazy. He has huge mood swings that change him from the nice guy he usually is to... well, the guy he is here. His eyes change from gold to red.Sara's ex-boyfriend's name is Mike, he gets a mention here. Oros rarely ever sees humans, so when he sees Sara, he kinda goes after her.He's not supposed to,because Nerezza needs Sara for something. It's not relevant here. Also, it's just kind of not right, cuz Sara's 14 and Oros is in his twenties.That's all you need to know for this. We'll pick up at the end of the paragraph before. Oros just found Sara, and he's in the middle of one of his mood swings Sara tried to run, but an invisible force cemented her in place. She tried to scream, but her vocal cords wouldn't seem to work. Oros grabbed her shoulders. "I've made a decision. What my sister doesn't know won't hurt her." He whispered, his eyes open maniacally wide. He leaned towards her face, and this time, his intentions were clear. His lips touched hers, and her heart skipped a beat. Sara tried to resist, but her efforts were weak. She knew, every part of her knew, that this was wrong, wrong, wrong. But with each second, her heart seemed to melt a little more. Oros was warm, smooth, practiced. Mike had always been nervous and embarrassed- he had never kissed her like this. The invisible bonds on her loosened, but she didn't pull away. She let herself be drawn into his arms, and she kissed him back. She would have continued, but a new force threw her backwards, and she fell to the floor a few feet away. Yeah, that's it. The end there is just Nerezza intercepting. Phew. Well, when it's all typed up and not written, it doesn't look so bad. Thanks in advance for your reviews. I'll give points out for really helpful ones. Be as harsh as you need to be, I can handle it :P.

ToritheMonster

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Points 19733

Reviews 351

Sat Jul 10, 2010 1:45 am

ToritheMonster says... · Sat Jul 10, 2010 1:45 am

Thankee kindly. I've gotten a lot of good advice, thanks for some more!

Honey, you should see me in a crown.

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brittbritt12347

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Points 240

Reviews 27

Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:15 am

brittbritt12347 says... · Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:15 am

Hello,Im brittany

Okay, i thought it was great for your first time writing a kissing scene lol it was like you wanted it and i really think thats all that matters but i actually thought it was great for your 1st time...lol my 1st one was actually more sexual and less rape in my kissing scenes..all of them, actually lol!!

~brittany~

The truth will come out baby, and you'll be the only one lost in the dark >:)

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ToritheMonster

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Points 19733

Reviews 351

Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:26 am

ToritheMonster says... · Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:26 am

Lol. Thanks!

Honey, you should see me in a crown.

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brittbritt12347

Gender

Points 240

Reviews 27

Tue Jul 13, 2010 7:46 pm

brittbritt12347 says... · Tue Jul 13, 2010 7:46 pm

Yepp, no problem!!

The truth will come out baby, and you'll be the only one lost in the dark >:)

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For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle

Romance scene.

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