Secret Farewell

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Come closer: Hear my secret,
Promise not to tell
A single soul.
I’ve got a million pretty words
And absolutely no control
Over what may slip from this
Lip gloss layered
Trap, perhaps
A tired tale of boy and girl,
Sparing detail,
I’ll pinpoint the important,
Come close and
Listen well,
I leave the ones I love the most.
French kiss my farewell.
Last edited by LiNdSeYo7 on Fri Nov 09, 2007 6:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
<3 Lindsey




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Hi! Well, I don't mean to criticize anyone, but I do have some suggestions.
Your poem needs to flow better like right here:
Promise not to tell,
A single soul.

You don't have to put a comma after tell. It's not necessary.
Your poem should flow as if you were speaking what you wrote. It shouldn't be choppy where there isn't a period- unless you use it for a dramatic affect.
I hope this helped you for your writing to come!




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Ooh. I like.
I love the rhythym and tone of this... It sounds almost like whispering, kind of secret and seductive. If that makes any sense.

I’ve got a million pretty words,
And absolutely no control
Over what may slip from this
Lip gloss layered
Trap, perhaps


I like this part, 'petty' is a great word to use there.

Come close and
Listen well,
I leave the ones I love the most.
French kiss my farewell.


That rhyme makes a great ending.
I think Nameless_And_Shamed might be right about that one comma. But that's minor.
Nice!
Siempre, siempre: jardin de mi agonia,
tu cuerpo fugitivo para siempre,
la sangre de tus venas en mi boca,
tu boca ya sin luz para mi muerte.

-From 'Del amor imprevisto', Federico Garcia Lorca




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Simple. Sweet. Short. I liked this poem. I especially enjoyed the way you ended this sad tale of heart-breaking. 'French-kiss' was a clever phrase used; I applaud you for that one. I also liked the 'lip gloss layered'. Real nice effect with that. Some of the phrases were duds I think, like; 'pinpoint the important'. It kind of put the 'p' in my pretty purse. As in, it was a little to wordy for this poem. Also, the way you wrote it; the poem was kind of like a ditch in itself. Not only do you tell the story about leaving, but I feel like you really did leave by writing it this way. You know? You used 'come close', 'listen well', and other terms that implied a bound between you and the reader. Then, like that. You are gone. A job well done. Thank you for the read.




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Thank you SO much for the comments!
<3 Lindsey




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i like it, tender and well constructed :-)



Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
— H. Jackson Brown