Ergh, I really didn't like this at all. The last bit in parentheses (can you hear me my dear) and after was good. but the rhyming was too much. You would be better off trying to convey your emotions through freewrite. Good luck.
I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin. — David Eddings
Good luck.
