Oh River

Back, back, back against the wall, wall, wall.
Clawing at the river, I ached for it all.
For the grey filth to swallow me, not the other way around.
For the bright white light to beckon me, as I drown,
drown,
drown.

Again I yielded, the thought top dark to bare,
I never did, I never could muster the will to dare.
For that sea, for the, silence, for the current to flop me ‘round.
A cold dead thing, floating to the
ground.

Hi there!

This is a really good poem. It flows well and has good emotion. I like it because, evern though it's Dramatic Poetry, it still seems to be telling a story. But it's telling a story through the narrator's thoughts. There's a single voice that is describing its fate to us. I really like how you repeated the first and last words of the first line. It gives the poem a certain rhythm. It almost sounds like a song.

Again I yielded, the thought to dark to bare,

Shouldn't it be 'too dark' and 'too bare'? I'm pretty sure it should be because you're describing the thought, yes? Sometimes I don't really understand what someone's trying to say in their poems so I don't want to suggest something that's completely different than what you wanted it to be.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!

You're certainly right! I need to change it to: 'too dark to bare'
Glad that you like it

Okay so this isn't bad, it isn't great either. I think the main issue with this is the lack of clear imagery. But, that been said, there doesn't seem to be vague imagery either. Rather a set of related thoughts, that don't show us much at all. You take care to complete simple rhymes but at what cost? I think this is ranty and juvenile -- harsh I know -- but with some minor tweaking this could be bold and mature.

Lines like

I never could muster the will to die

Are exactly what is bringing this poem down. Not only is it literal and extremely limited, it doesn't evoke a powerful image, but falls flat. I know it's harsh, but this really needs a closer eye. Pick out the naggy parts that don't add a great deal and fix them. I will bold the errors that I found lacklustre

HausOfDay wrote:Back, back, back against the wall, wall, wall.(This is also terribly clichéd, repeating the first and last words don't remedy this)
Clawing at the river, I ached for it all.
For the grey filth to swallow me, not the other way around.
For the bright white light to beckon me, as I drown,
drown,
drown.

Again I yielded, the thought top dark to bare,
I never did, I never could muster the will to dare.
For that sea, for the, silence, for the current to flop me ‘round.
A cold dead thing, floating to the
ground.

.

Anyway hope I wasn't too harsh, and good luck

JP

I don't think you were harsh at all, I do think it is a little imature, especially for a poem dealing with something so defining.
I will certainly take note of your criticism and make changes accordingly You're a good critic, I'm glad to see someone be honest and to the point.