Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
There's a man after me
He's trying to kill me
He's around every corner
I run from him
I hide from him
But he's always there
His hands are on my neck
He's brutal
I run from him
I hide from him
I sit on myself
He’s still here
I’m constantly running from him
I’m constantly fighting with him
He’s not hiding from me
He’s attacking me
I try to persuade
I try to plead
I try to fight
I try to stop
I don’t win
He’s clawing at me
He’s tearing my skin
His hands burn me alive
I’m far away, watching him hurt me
I don’t want to be hurt
I don’t want to be near him
I hate him
I don’t want to hate him
Why can’t he love me?
I love him
I don’t want him
He stops, for now
I’m cold now
I feel my wounds, still warm
I wish I were cold
No, I wish I were warm
I sit on him
I sit on myself
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This is my first attempt at poetry, and I am rather unfamiliar with the form. I would appreciate any criticism, particularly regarding structure, imagery, and rhythm. I ask you to be direct and brutal. My ego can handle it.
Hi there! Dropping by with a review for Team Bees! :3
Noting your comment, I'm going to approach this a little differently than my usual poetry reviews, instead of going para by para I'm going to be more general - hope that's okay!
I'm going to start with what I liked. I really liked the ending! The man you were running from was you, a great way to end the poem such that it reshapes in the readers mind what they've already read. Conceptually very strong.
However this poem is entirely narrative (which isn't inherently bad) but what it lacks is description. This is really the bare bones of what you want your poem to convey. You haven't dived into how this makes you feel, emotionally, physically. I don't see much of your thoughts. I don't see much description. There is a narrative yes, but I think a good way to look at this is that you aren't just telling someone a story - this is a poem - you are translating experience.
There is a lot more to an experience than what happened. There's you, your thoughts, your emotions, the physical sensations of your body, there's your surroundings, and how they affect/interact with you. With poems you have a LOT of creative license - abuse it. The sky can't be purple? Wrong! If I think it conveys my feeling better the sky is purple the sea is glass and the rain is acid.
It's your experience, do what it takes to convey it. Play around with structure, with fonts, pictures, really anything is poetry, because experience can be conveyed in any way! Look at the stanzas of your poem and how you would re-write it. For example,
This could be what I want to convey, and this ~
could be how I choose to convey the experience of "I miss you" I hope that made it a little clearer! Note that this is written in my personal (overly verbose) style XD and you could have a completely different way of conveying this and that is perfectly fine!! You'll develop a style that is yours and works for you with practice!
Also please note - I am in NO WAY an authority on poetry! Just an amaeture like anyone else and this is just my perspective and personal opinion and I could very well be wrong or my view may not work for you. Just wanted to give some advice that helps any way it can! Take what you find helpful and leave the rest! If you have any questions or clarifications please feel free to reach out.
Hope this helps with your poetry journey, Happy Review Day!!
~ canopy
Far be it from me not to honour requests! Hia!
I kinda wish you would have used this more often, feels like this might have given the poem more structure?I do like the repetition of
I have trouble figuring out the rhythm and how to read this poem. That makes it harder for me to pierce the meaning of the poem.
Tho I do like this “I sit on myself” bc it makes me think maybe the person the narrator is running from is himself? Or maybe an aspect of himself that he doesn’t like?
I guess the final two verses all but confirm this?
Hmm I guess this poem deals with self-doubt? “why cant he love me”, like why are we always questioning ourselves, why cant we just appreciate us the way we are?
I also like this dichotomy between wanting to be warm or cold, wanting to love or not wanting “him”, almost as if it’s the same person holding all these opinions at the same time. The same person being attacker and victim at the same time.
[This is not a review. I don't feel qualified to review this, even if it is v interesting! I feel at times it is a bit too simplistic!]
Hey, I liked reading this, but I feel like the best part in the poem is repetition. The constant repeating of running, hiding, fighting, and trying to stop the man from coming after the narrator creates a sense of endless cycle which the narrator is unable to get out of. It also makes the poem feel rushed, as if the narrator is struggling to get words out quickly, which is appropriate to the subject matter.
I also liked the juxtaposition of ideas towards the end of the poem, where the narrator is saying, "I love him," but also, "I hate him," and “I don’t want him,” , which adds a level of complexity to the relationship between the narrator and the man chasing them. The switch to watching him hurt the narrator while far away was another interesting choice that made me start second-guessing if the man was a real character or a representation/metaphor.
That being said, I felt like the imagery could be a bit better. In some parts, the poem seems to just describe what is happening, rather than telling images and metaphors and allowing the reader to experience it with the narrator. Some vivid sensory details might be able to add that "punch" without needing to make the scenes so bloody and gory.
I also liked these lines: "I sit on myself," and "I sit on him." Upon discovering that the 'sit' in the first quotation is supposed to mean weighing down or suppressing, I found that the repetition of the action adds another level of meaning to the poem. While the first sentence describes the narrator trying to keep their impulses and urges in check, the second one moves the impulse and suppression to the man. I find it to be a very clever play on words and a good way to showcase the ending message.
I think I found some interesting psychological meaning behind these lines in a way, as the poem explores the internal conflict between hatred, love, and fear that the narrator is facing. It's a good basis for a poem, and I think for your first attempt, you did pretty well. I recommend working more on imagery and structure for future poems, though. Great job! <3