I'm the star of the ball- twinkling
But it also means I'm burning;
Its diamonds imprint on me,
And leave me suffocating.
I love how pretty it looks on me,
Covering the bruises on my neck;
But not the way it restrains me,
Feeling strangled— can't breathe.
I can't muster a no for the life of me,
The sharp edges would slit my veins;
I'd drown in the pool of my own blood-
Beautiful as I meet my end, they pity me.
People tell me that I must be lucky;
But the irony stings me, because
What goes on behind closed doors
Is a blind spot they'll never see.
And this weight that holds me down,
Is a leash that keeps reminding me
Diamond is the hardest material
To ever be, after all- it cuts me.
And my broken spirit, struggling
Against the incandescent light;
A sharp hanging chain, on which,
I'll die— by the end of the night.
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142,252 Literary Works • 677,084 Reviews
Hia Alex, me again.
Ohh oh! That is a beautiful line and it says so much. Like, ofc speaking at all is possible, but the fact that the choker has morphed into a SYMBOL, a physical way to restrain her from speaking what she really wants to say. I love it!I like the cover!
Hmmm I know from the title that she’s talking abt a choker. But. I feel like you should kinda mention that she’s talking abt a piece of equipment. Your start on the ball and that she’s burning, and then you talk about “it” which feels incongruent. Maybe if you started with “With it, I’m the star” this would feel more cohesive to me?
That said, I love the lines abt the diamonds imprinting, suffocating her, and that it is used to disguise bruises. It tells a very sinister story. It makes me think: does she want to be the star for herself or because this is expected of her. Either bc of society, or equally bad: bc of a specific person.
The second stanza abt the bruises and the choking makes me think that she kinda DOES like it, but it also held back by it makes. Kinda like I love being a girl but also struggle with the expectations and downsides of it XD
Ohhhhhh:
Not sure what to think of this. I love the implication that nothing less BUT diamond can leave a mark on a strong woman like her. But I also feel like it’s a repetition, you mentioned enough that she’s cut?
Oh my… I didn’t expect that ending. I wonder if this is more a metaphorical death. That she’s given up fighting against the expectations placed on her?
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That's actually some really good advice, Tikaa! You've got a sharp eye, I'll try to brainstorm a way out.
I LOVE how you're really thinking like a poet here! <3
I liked it's simple impact too, glad you agree.
I feared that being visible, I'll do something about this. This was a filler phase, I should've known it won't work.
She's acknowledging the possibility and fear. Also, she's claiming power in her death, were this choker will no longer strangle her.
Thank you for this as always, Tikka!
hah it feels kinda odd that I finally had some concrete advice for better poetry. I do not like this. Nooo I don't wanna leaaarnnnnn
<3
It's funny you say, that since I nothing but validate your suggestions here XD
Hey, AlexWrites! MrytleJinn here for a review. This is honestly super interesting and I like all the different themes woven in! Onto the review,
Something so beautiful on the outside burns on the inside. Something or someone looks one way but they're really feeling another way. Something more exists in the narrators world. Something that they're striving to hide.
The bruises on their neck. Abuse, maybe? I was thinking abusive lover. The idea of having someone like that, someone beautiful, but they hurt the narrator. The beautiful thing holds them back and hurts them. The strangled feeling comes from when they receive those bruises.
I read this and I really liked the idea but I was slightly confused by the wording. Is saying 'no' what cuts them? Or is it literal? They say no and they're cut.
This really solidifies the idea of an abusive lover. They tell them that they must be lucky, they have someone beautiful. But that beautiful person hurts them behind closed doors. They don't see past the beauty. They only see beauty and not the pain it brings with it.
"Diamond is the hardest material" Diamond is know as the most beautiful. Yet it's the hardest. It's the one that hurts the most. It can cut through anything. Although, the last line is a little jerky. I can't quite put my finger on it though. Probably cause I'm ridiculously tired.
They're broken by this beautiful person. By this diamond. This choker is a sharp chain that they'll die on. That looks so beautiful yet kills them in the end.
Overall, I loved this. I think I really leaned into the abusive lover theme and didn't really lean into any of the others. Whoops... Just a few things that are a little rough.
Keep living and writing!
MrytleJinn
Thank you for the kind words, Mrytle <3
Also, saying no cuts me means the sharp gems physically rub against the soft skin as the neck moves sideways to cut it. But if course it has a metaphorical hint towards abuse as well!
Hello there Alex! Let's see if I remember how to review after my somewhat lengthy hiatus...
For starters, I appreciate the general consistency of the imagery throughout the poem. It seems to me that there is a double meaning here behind "choker" - that there is truly a brilliant, beautiful choker in terms of the necklace, but there's also some sort of hint at an abusive relationship or lover? I think you've done a good job at balancing the imagery of both (necklace vs abuse). This is especially obvious to me in the second and third stanzas.
However, just a small point - I did also find an inconsistency (or maybe mismatch is a better word?) in how the images continue throughout the poem. I am generally a proponent of simple is more; in other words, stick to one or two strong images and flesh them out. Otherwise, it gets kind of confusing? I am referring to the mention of guillotine in the fifth stanza (but for what it's worth, I thought the twining of guillotine/revolt was intelligent) and the sword reference in the last stanza. I don't feel they work well with the choker/abuse theme we have going on here and it just sort of muddies the artistry of the piece. Perhaps I can understand as they relate to death/sharp objects... but it disrupts the flow - in my opinion.
Overall, it is clear to me that you have put time, effort, and thought into the poem. It flows generally well, aside from the clunky additional pieces of imagery. The theme was smartly attacked and I commend you for utilizing the double meaning of choker as the thematic inspiration. Well done!
Keep writing! Looking forward to the next.
Cheers,
Lav
Hey, Lev! Thank you for the helpful feedback. I was anxious if the additional themes worked well, and it seems I was right to. I have edited those out to expand on the original metaphor instead, do you think the narrative flows more naturally now? If you could also share your opinion on the the first two lines too, it'd be huge help for me. Much love and gratitude <3
Your mention today reminded to come back here to see how you revised it. I can definitely say I’ve never had a poet take suggestions into account so quickly - wow, I really admire your commitment to the craft. I think the revisions you have made certainly work and keep with the theme for sure (“leash”, “sharp chain”).
The contrast between being a star/wearing a beautiful thing and that very thing being the root of abuse is masterful. The first two lines set the tone for sure. Continue writing and I can’t wait for more from you <3
Thank you for all the help, your compliments flatter me. Glad to know the revision worked out for the best!
I absolutely love the imagery you're conveying here for a simple necklace.
I particularly like the last stanza, ending it with a rhyming couplet with line 2 really brings the whole poem together.
It's beautifully written. Cannot wait to read more of your work.
Thank you for the kind words, really appreciate them! <3