Published May 17, 2010
Poems are as peaceful as the swaying of a tree
And as violent as the churning sea
They describe everything
From snow melting when it hits a lake
To a little girl baking a birthday cake
~I know this poem isn't good so feel free to rip it apart and burn the pieces~
~This second one is now edited. I am not sure if it sounds better.~
Swinging
up-
down
up-
down-
up-
Close your eyes as you hang suspended in the air
In a world of blue
Pumping your legs
You could swing forever always in the sky but no,
Up-
down
up-
down
up-
JUMP
~I like this poem better, but still feel free to do what you must.~
A. S.
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142,322 Literary Works • 677,257 Reviews
hi
wow i think the first poem was the best, the second was ok. i had to read it twice to realize it was talking about actually swinging, like at a park. the camp song thing really confused me.
i disagree. i think having the word birthday gives the poem nice rhythm and makes the cake easier to picture.
great job
Thank you for all the advice. I really appreciate it, and I have made a few changes to the second one. I might expand on the second one later like you said.
I should have edited the second one before I put it up sorry. Thanks again
A. S.
Your first poem could do with a whole lot of expansion. Right now, I feel like you were going somewhere, but then you suddenly dropped it. Explain how poems are the way you say they are, and I think you'll have a nice, strong poem on your hands.
Your second poem looks visually interesting, but the lines with the ellipses are a bit repetitive, and it got annoying after the second time. A different way of getting your readers to pause would be to use line breaks and a combination of either m-dashes or spacing. For example:
This is much easier to read.
Hello
, I think the 'first' poem is lovely, because it is how you see a poem from your point of view and I think its lovely. And the part where you say,
Oh, so there are two poems here? If it is only one poem then I will consider them as two poems because that's what it looks like...and I'll have to say, the second one is just weird, lol. Wow!
Alright, now for a proper review
I love these lines. They are unexpected and true. And they also bring a lot of emotions and images to the table and that is good. But I think it sounds better if you omit 'birthday'.
The 'second' poem...it was fun. It kind of reminds me when I was a kid and flexible (that is part of what I am picturing). I think though that the full stops and the ups downs are just too much for one setting. I was actually drifting off a bit there. But in general, I like your style. Keep on doing what you do