Published June 25, 2009
They say you can hear it like the rain-
millions of tiny gold pennies, falling from grace
down into the drainpipes, rolling into the gutter,
enchanted by the music of the fat cats
and their pied piper.
I wonder.
Perhaps like human tissue replenishes the earth
those lost pennies will make us good again
make us grow and see the world
and all it’s true beauty
for what it’s worth?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
142,249 Literary Works • 677,084 Reviews
Hi. I enjoyed this. It starts well, and the opening imagery works well. I especially liked;
"millions of tiny gold pennies, falling from grace
down into the drainpipes, rolling into the gutter,".
I think that;
" make us good again
make us grow and see the world
and all it’s true beauty
for what it’s worth?"
is a bit flimsy. It's too abstract. I'd think more about what the pennies could do, and show rather than tell. Try suggesting through imagery how the little things can bring people back to goodness/happiness/simplicity. Goodness is quite an abstract concept so I'd forget that word and show it instead.
Also "it's true beauty" should be "its true beauty".
Hope this helps.
Jas