Living in music was a lot easier than in the real world.
People screaming their mind out, venting out the whole day without caring about the time and space— she absolutely hated it. Who, after all gave them the permission to ruin her mental peace? She simply couldn’t ignore them. In library, she hated the couples laughing their heart out, she also hated people studying loudly…couldnt they literally see that others were present? Idiots, she murmured under her breath.
Her headphones provided her the only escape from this chaos. She could peacefully listen to sad songs without anyone asking why she looked miserable—what a relief it was!
She glanced at the clock. 4: 47 p.m. It was getting late… the library would close at 5 today, after all it was a weekend. She never understood why her college library closed early during weekends…apparently, the students didn’t need books when they had free time. She packed her things and stepped outside.
She wanted to dance, but she could already imagine the side-eyes. Halfway down the road, she noticed the leaves. They had gathered thickly along the edges, dry and brown, crackling beneath her shoes. A crumpled cookie packet lay half-hidden underneath them. People just throw things wherever they want.
The road ahead was darker than usual. One of the streetlights had stopped working, leaving a long stretch of the path in shadow. Anyway she preferred to vibe to her song more than anything else. She strolled and finally reached the hostel. Now she had to sign in the register to mark her entry in the hostel- they, for real, were living like caged birds.
Caged birds were afraid of the sky, she thought.
She shook her head. Enough overthinking. Her roommates were not there. Cehyn was supposed to return before her, she checked her phone. No messages.
God knows where she is. Not her concern though, she peacefully drew the curtains, plugged her phone in, and went to sleep.
“Wake up, wake up!” She groaned and pulled the blanket over her head.
“What’s wrong bruh?”
No answer.
She opened her eyes. Sheela was sitting beside her.
“Cehyn is dead”
For a moment, the words didn’t make sense.
“What?”
“Cehyn.”
Sheela’s voice cracked.
“Is dead.”
She shot upright.
“What!How?”
Sheela stared at the floor.
“It was a murder.”
The room seemed to spin
“What?”
“Yeah. She was kidnapped this evening. They found her later.”
“Who kidnapped her? From where?”
“The road.”
Sheela finally looked at her.
“The road from the library to the hostel.”
Her stomach dropped. What?”
“CCTV shows it was 4: 58 p.m.”
4:58.
She stopped breathing.
The library closed at five.
She had been on that road.
Yesterday.
At—
Sheela kept talking, “She screamed at the top of her voice… there was no one around.”
No one.
She stared at her headphones lying on the desk. Her shoes, the leaves, a cookie packet and then… A scream!
Sheela continued, “Except—”
“Sto—” she couldn’t complete it. She stared at the ceiling, her headphones, at Sheela and finally the leaves beneath her shoes,still crackling in her memory. She pinched herself, desperately hoping it was a dream.
It wasn’t.
It never would be.
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142,254 Literary Works • 677,089 Reviews
Hey there! I'm Jaye!
This was a nice beginning! Sometimes it does make it easier, but I feel like this person needs life. Rather than living in music. Hence, (She'd probably have heard her sister scream...)
There were a couple of grammar errors and the story seemed a bit confusing and off. . .
I didn't really like this paragraph. Mostly just because you can't really feel with the MC. I can tell that she's an introvert and all but she seems rude. And I wonder why she hates everyone and their laughter, etc.
I liked a bit of the description on her way back.
I liked this part; just because you can understand why she didn't want to dance. It makes a lot of sense. And I can agree with that.
I think that this was my favorite line.
This was a bit fast paced, just because she goes to sleep then wakes up, maybe add " *** " or something to make it understandable.
I don't really know who all of the characters are, but I'm guessing that they're her sisters...?
You might want to add description into that next time just to help it not be confusing.
I like the name, (how do you pronounce that?)
But just a stab. Because that's not what the reader would be thinking.
This was going really fast paced & I'm not sure how they would know for sure. Because where is the CCTV footage? It has no description, no anything that can make sense.
What does this mean? Did they hear a scream? or is she just imagining what had happened the previous day?
This is a nice mystery/ending.
Though near the end it shows very little character, "show don't tell" in a way would help.
Anyways, keep up the good work.
~ Jaye.
I must say I've never heard the phrase to vent out. What exactly does it mean?
not, in the library?I must say I love myself an opinionated main character but oh my she does come across as really unlikable. Like that she even hates people that study too loudly even though that's kind of what library is for? Mymy xd
Tho I am curious about her saying that the headphones protect her from people asking why she looks miserable. Or is it because at home they would ask her so this is why she goes to the library to do her stuff?
I like the strong statement, and what it says about her character.
I'm not sure how these two sentences connect? The darkness implies danger and something visual, and headphones are something audible so not even the senses connect. why did you write it like that?
I like the idea of the metaphor was the cage it bird, but I'm too unfamiliar with hostile culture to really understand it? Like, is she a college girl and they don't have dorms but live in hostels and they need to constantly check in to show that they actually using the room or what are you saying here? Because I don't get that part, the metaphor about the caged birds doesn't really land with me.
Okay now that I got a full picture, I think my issue with the dark lamp and the danger is more the "anyway" that you put into the connecting sentence. Implies a connection between the empty dark road and the music went in reality the music is muffling the scream her roommate was letting out right? So instead of formulating or structuring a sentence with any way, you should just say that the music from loud and her ears or something. I really stumbled over this phrasing.
That's all for me hope you have a great day :)
Hey forever!!♡ I just read ur beautiful work and i really loved the twist at the end. The contrast between an innocent walk back to ur hostel to some horrifying discovery is just amazing!
I really liked how u introduced ur main character. With the annoyance towards the rowdy people, the headphones, and her comments to herself about the hostel's rules, we knew her without u actually telling us about her. Paragraph 3 really caught my attention....... with the description of the cages and frightened birds. It showed us her want for freedom and how much she is tied to her routine.
My favorite part of this story is all the little details u added. From dry leaves to a discarded bag of cookies, broken street lights and headphones, all of it had such a bigger meaning after the discovery........ especially the part where Cehyn was murdered on the same street you took a few minutes ago was terrifying! The use of short sentences and repetition when the main character first hears about Cehyn's death was very well done....... the constant repetition of "4:58" made the realization more sudden and the last sentence wasn't needed, leaving the reader in the main characters' place.
However, i do think u should've added more conversation between the protagonist and Cehyn. Just a bit, so that when she realized his fate, it would affect her more. i also think u should've done some editing.
Overall, The rest was done well and the twist was horrifying! This is a great short story with a grim ending. i loved all the little things u added because they all had a big impact on the story. Lovely work!♡
~lilly♡ the fire dragon