Published May 16, 2011
Just because I didn’t cry for you
Does not mean
That I didn’t feel you leave.
Mother
Please believe that
I ached for you
With every part of me
I still do.
I couldn’t muster tears for you
But you still made me
Think of you compulsively
Addictively
And all the things left unsaid.
I still love you.
I wish I didn’t
I really wish that I could
Brush you off
Forget you
But I can't.
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I definitely feel a sense of really, really strong emotion. Especially here:
I wish I didn’t
I really wish that I could
Brush you off
Forget you
But I can't.
I guess because of the asyndeton "Brush you off/Forget you", as if they both mean the same thing, though they're really climbing in intensity. It really gave off the emotional punch that I think you're trying to bring out.
Some parts of the poem, though, could've been stronger, I think.
For one, you're missing major punctuation marks at places.
Ex:
I ached for you
With every part of me
I still do.
"With every part of me"--does it go with "I ached for you" or "I still do"? I think it's the former; put a semicolon on it!
The only reason some parts are weak is that you fall back on cliches. "With every part of me"--just googling it, I found a gagillion different web sites that said vaguely the same thing.
"I Ache for you in Every Part of Me that Knows Love, Knows Passion.."
http://www.majesticsilence.com/2011/01/ ... -that.html
"I am starving. Every part of me aches with need. It's you that I crave."
http://mysticmuse.net/authors/nika/hunger.htm
So--watch out for cliches.
Hope I helped!
Hey there, human Host of Horus here to review.
At first glance the thing I feel odd about, is the structure. I'll try to show you what I mean....
This is a suggestion of what I think you could do. It is only a suggestion, and I will try to explain why.
Now, I'm not saying you have to do any of this, I want to make that clear. They are merely suggestions. I feel as though the rhythm was just sort of awkward throughout. I can agree with the above review, in that I can tell you have meaning behind your words, that said I think it gets lost sometimes because the poem is a little choppy. In a final word, I felt like there was something missing. Mostly in terms of a back story. It just leaves me wondering what could have happened, and I think it would be cool if you illustrated that to us. But again, that is just a suggestion. Don't take any of this too harshly, I liked it a lot, and I wouldn't want you to think I didn't. It could just use some improvement. If you have any questions, let me know!
~HostofHorus
Hey gracie. Nice poem you have here. I do feel meaning behind the words, even though in some parts the poem was a little weak. I dont really see any gramatical flaws, and I thought the best stanza was the third because it had a nice gentle flow. I didnt at all enjoy the last stanza. Your poem ended swiftly and abruptly. Other than that, this was a decent poem with potential. Happy writing,
- Amelia xxx