Lily's breath hitched as one of the maids tightened the bow around her waist. She kept her gaze on her hands and bit her lip.
"You look beautiful, miss." one of the maids whispered to her before walking off. Lily nodded slightly not having seen herself in the mirror. More nervous than anything. She saw the lace on the dress, and it was tight and perfect on her figure but she was nervous about seeing someone else rather than her.
She heard the door open and shut and felt her mothers presence.
"You need to smile, dear." her mother said, trying to sound warm but sending shivers down Lily's spine.
Lily nodded, and looked up at the mirror, staring at her mother rather than the figure standing before her.
She saw her mother nod her head towards her and she sighed, before glancing at herself.
A small gasp escapes her lips, and her eyes widen.
The dress looked like it was made for a princess. Her laced sleeves stopped at her collarbones, and it curved around her waist before flowing out at the hips. White flower petals were sewed neatly around her waist where the ribboned bow was tied neatly in the back.
This person standing before her wasn't her. It was someone completely different. She barely recognized her features. Her make-up done just like an empress, her hair tied back tightly as it lay rested against her shoulders.
"We'll have to change that." her mother tisked as she moved Lily's hair aside.
Her cheeks flushed and she felt like crying.
"Mama..." Her voice cracked just a little as she looked at her mother, teary-eyed.
Her mother sighed and looked at Lily. "We already discussed this. This is for the better. For both his family and ours."
She nodded and dropped her head again, looking at her hands, "Yes, mother." she said quietly.
"Lily, you know that this is for the better." her mother rested a hand on Lily's cheek, raising her head to meet her gaze.
"I know." Lily touched her mothers hand softly before turning away from her. "The ceremony's starting." she murmured as she heard the bells ringing from the churches.
"Lily I-" her mother started, as Lily walked towards the table to place the earrings in her ears.
She paused and waited for her mothers words, wishing that they'd be ones promising to stop this all. Or to help her, somehow.
"Just...don't disappoint your father..." her mothers words periced her heart and sent her stumbling just a little.
"Yes mother." she spoke quietly, not daring to look at her. She heard her mother sigh again before swift movements and a door shuts.
It takes a while before she realizes that she's not breathing normally. She lossens her chest and squeezes her eyes shut, "It's okay..." she says to herself, though it's not okay. It'll never be okay. It never was okay.
~ * ~ * ~
Lily walked through the halls, heading towards the reception, where she could hear the laughter and chatter from the guests. She felt the butterflies flutter in her stomach and she wondered if she'd pass out.
She saw a small group of women and men standing, either redoing their ties or fixing their hair.
She unclenched her jaw and shut her eyes, taking a deep breath.
"Here we go. " she whispered to herself.
"Lily! You're gorgeous!" Fiona, her best friend gushes as she walks over, sending Lily's eyes open.
She's embraced by Fiona's arms and is squeezed tightly. "We'll get through this together." she murmurs against her ear.
Lily nods and lets out a breath of air.
"Are you ready?" she asks taking a step back and looking up and down, checking out her dress.
Lily flushes and twists her hands together. "Readier than I'll ever be." she sighs.
She sees the look of pity course through her friend and immediately hates it. She's always hated being pitied on. As if being looked on like she was nothing, a worthless child.
"Let's get you out there," Fiona says at last, giving her another tight hug, before looking around to make sure there was no other things messed up.
She nods and runs her hands down her dress, along the creases and curves of her body. She looks at the bridesmaids and groomsmen as they begin to come together. The doors open and they all start to walk out, leaving Lily standing near the wall, waiting for her father to come for her.
The longer it took, kept her heart racing and she felt as if crying all over again for fear that her father never cared.
"Come...please come..." she murmurs to herself, as she sees Fiona and the best man go next.
Just then, she hears her father before she sees him.
"There you are, beautiful girl."
Turning around, she forces a fake smile, feeling a breath of air escape her a bit startled and less anxious.
"Father." she said softly, taking his arm.
"You look lovely dear." he kissed her forehead gently and together they both walked out of the door as music played. She steps onto the carpet where pink rose petals lay. Her heart beat quickly as she looked at the people around them in the aisles and then landing on the man standing in the middle, staring at her. Blue eyes startling hers.
Her breath hitched at the sight of him.
He was more handsome than she expected. She was thinking that she was marrying an older man. A general or something. She braced herself before feeling the kiss of her father before he left her on the stairs.
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142,241 Literary Works • 677,072 Reviews
Hi! I saw this piece and thought I'd review it, I think it's really good. Just a bit of things you might wanna, maybe, fix. But I must say that this is a great piece and the idea is nice, too!
So first of all, the opening starts with the preparations, I think that's a good starting point; it gives time to say what she thinks and interactions and not rushing to the wedding. And the line :
It works well, showing how nervous Lily is. But in my opinion, what I think is that before you reveal that she is nervous, you could, maybe, add a bit more clues---with her actions. It would let the reader figure out what she's feeling without having to tell, maybe it's her personality to confront what is going on directly? That would work well with your reveal, I'm sure.
This is the reveal, like I said, it was straightforward---well, not so straight, but I'd say, to the point.
And a small error here, nothing, really
it's 'mother's', doesn't really matter, though.
And another small error---that I saw multiple times throughout the piece. In speech, when you're gonna end the spoken words as a sentence, you have to use a comma, not a full stop. As seen in
The full stop after 'dear' is grammatically incorrect, it is supposed to be a comma.
Sorry if it's a bit annoying, I thought I'd mention this
And the uses of tenses is a bit inconsistent. Like
It's a change from past tense to present, also seen below
It's a really insignificant thing, but it makes the reader a tad bit confused.
I think the writing's okay, the usage of multiple senses rather than just sight is nice! It's a hard thing to do so. And a small typo, it's 'pierced' not 'periced'. The way she tries to calm herself down is really realistic---the doubt, the movements. The transition to next scenes is smooth, her worry is well shown. And a few punctuations are needed, like 'You look lovely, dear.' not 'You look lovely dear'.
Overall, I think this is very well written, with only a few small errors. Besides the fact that you need a bit of trust in the reader's ability to figure things out, I think it works just fine!
Have a nice time here!
And sorry for the critism!
Hi! Thanks for reviewing this! Thank you so much for it, because I truly need some people to tell me the problems with it. Thanks again!!
Yw! If there's a sequel, trust me to be there!
A very good story. It flowed really well when I read it, and I was engaged in the world the entire time.
The emotions displayed feel very natural for this situation.
I like how she makes herself force a smile for her father. That sentence says a great deal about their relationship.
I'm not too familiar with Lily's character and of course, as the author, you have the final say, but I was thinking an interesting bit to add at the end would be Lily questioning her reactions. Like, she sees this guy and thinks he's handsome. But she quickly admonishes herself for thinking that, or at least plays it down. She might think, "Keep it together, Lily! Just because he happens to be a little bit - okay, fine, a lot - handsome, does not necessarily mean that he's a good person."
The ending was great though! It makes me want to keep reading. I love the detail that she hitched her breath; it shows us that her body is naturally reacting to the sight of him, as opposed to her trying to convince himself that this guy looks handsome to make herself feel better. A very good show, don't tell moment.
Aww! Thank you so much!!!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the morbid S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Lily is arranged to marry a man to help the family. She doesn’t want to marry him, but she has to. And hey, at least the man is young and attractive!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think the wedding area/church could be described more in detail, but those are just my thoughts.
Chocolate Bar - I like that Lily is still clinging onto hope that her mother will help stop the wedding and is crushed when it doesn’t happen. It shows they had a deep relationship and that they understood each other like no one else did. Then when she’s with Fiona, who cares about her but doesn’t understand, is another sad/understandable moment I liked.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely short story! I’ll be sure to read more about Lily and this man she was arranged to marry. I think this is hinting at them genuinely falling in love so I’ll check that. I enjoyed this and…
I wish you a fantastic day/night! ^v^
Hi! Thank you for the review!! Yes! That's my main point in the story. I've been trying to work on description as my main part. Thanks again!
Yw!