Dear My First Love, I’m Sorry

By a heart that never learned how to love you quietly.
Dear my first love, I'm so sorry for how sensitive I am,
For feeling a thousand things when you might not understand.
I'm sorry for the moments when my emotions overflow,
For having so much on my heart that I don't always know where to go.
I'm sorry for asking for too much,
For wanting your time, your voice, your touch.
I'm sorry for complaining when I wish that things were right,
For turning little moments into long and painful nights.
I'm sorry for being so uptight about my feelings towards you,
For wishing you could understand what I struggle to explain to you.
I'm sorry if my words become too heavy to hear,
If the love I try to give you sometimes sounds more like a fear.
I'm sorry for the questions, for needing reassurance,
For searching for a little peace when my heart feels so uncertain.
I'm sorry if I seem to need more than you know how to give,
I'm just trying to understand how we're supposed to love like this.
I'm sorry for the tears that fall when I don't feel understood,
For wishing you would hear me the way I always hoped you would.
I'm sorry when my frustration speaks louder than my heart,
When all I really wanted was to feel close to you, not far apart.
But my first love, there's something I wish you could see,
Something deeper than the girl you think you're dealing with when you speak to me.
Because behind every tear, every sigh, every time I say I'm fine,
There's a heart growing tired of pretending that it's doing alright.
I'm sorry if I overthink the things you say and do,
If every little change in you feels like I'm losing you.
I'm sorry that I struggle when your warmth begins to fade,
That I remember every promise and the memories we've made.
I'm sorry that I love you with a heart that feels so deep,
That even when I'm hurting, you're the person I still seek.
I'm sorry that I wish sometimes you'd notice when I'm low,
Without me having to find the words or tell you what I know.
Do you know what it feels like to cry over someone you still love?
To ask the same questions in your head, hoping for answers from above?
To stare at your phone, wondering why the person who once made you feel safe
Can now be the reason you struggle to get through your day?
Do you know how exhausting it is to fight with your own mind,
Trying to understand your feelings while pretending that you're fine?
To replay every conversation, every word you wish you'd never heard,
Searching for the moment your love changed, searching for the reason behind every word?
I'm sorry that sometimes I don't know how to explain
That beneath all my frustration, there's a girl who's fighting pain.
I'm not always asking you to fix everything that's wrong,
Sometimes I just need you to listen and remind me that I belong.
I'm not asking for perfection, nor a love without mistakes,
I'm asking for some tenderness when my heart begins to ache.
I want to feel that when I'm hurting, I can come to you and speak,
Without feeling like my feelings make me difficult or weak.
Because, my first love, this has been affecting more than you might know.
It's followed me into quiet rooms where I have nowhere else to go.
It's weighed upon my mind when I'm trying to rest at night,
And made ordinary moments harder when I'm already struggling inside.
Sometimes my mind feels crowded with emotions I can't explain,
And my body carries the exhaustion of trying to contain the pain.
I get tired of being upset, tired of trying to find the words,
Tired of feeling like my voice disappears before it's ever heard.
And what hurts the most is that I don't want to feel this way,
I don't want our love to leave me struggling through another day.
I want to feel like myself again, to breathe and feel at ease,
To love you without feeling like I'm constantly begging for peace.
There have been moments when my thoughts have frightened me,
When the weight of everything has felt like more than I can carry.
And I need you to understand that this pain has become serious to me,
That I need support, understanding, and room to heal emotionally.
I'm not telling you this to make you feel responsible for my life,
Or to make you stay with me out of guilt, fear, or strife.
I'm telling you because the truth deserves a place to be told,
And I've been carrying feelings that have become too heavy to hold.
I need help beyond this relationship, and I'm learning that it's true.
I can't keep putting all my hope in how you choose to respond or what you do.
I love you, but I need to take care of the heart that lives inside of me,
Because I deserve to feel safe, even when we're struggling to agree.
I'm sorry if I overreact when my emotions run too high,
If I struggle to find calm when all I want to do is cry.
I'm learning that I can speak my truth without letting anger lead,
And that asking for some comfort doesn't make me wrong for having needs.
But I hope you understand that sensitivity isn't all I am,
There's a heart behind these feelings that is doing all it can.
There's a girl who wants to love you without fearing every change,
Who wants to feel secure with you when life becomes strange.
So, my first love, I'm sorry for the moments we misunderstood,
For the times I couldn't tell you what I meant the way I should.
I'm sorry for the arguments, the distance, and the tears,
For letting all my worries speak louder than my fears.
But if there's one thing I wish you could see beneath it all,
It's that I never wanted us to stumble, never wanted us to fall.
I wanted to be someone you could trust with all your days,
Someone you could love in all the ordinary ways.
I wanted to be the person you could talk to when life got hard,
The one who knew your quiet moments, the one who knew your heart.
I wanted us to learn together, to make mistakes and grow,
To build a kind of love where we could both be free to show
The parts of us that aren't so pretty, the fears we try to hide,
The feelings that get tangled up when pride gets in the way of what's inside.
I wanted us to understand that love is more than words we say,
It's how we treat each other's hearts when things don't go our way.
And if my heart could speak to yours without the fear of being wrong,
It would tell you that it never meant to make our love so hard.
It would tell you that beneath the tears and everything I've put you through,
There's a heart that's still learning how to communicate with you.
Dear my first love, I'm sorry for the things I wish I'd said differently.
I'm sorry for the times I let my fear speak louder than my honesty,
For the moments when I wanted reassurance but didn't know how to ask,
For the times my emotions became so overwhelming that I struggled to get past them.
But I hope that someday you understand what I was trying to say,
That I wasn't asking you to be perfect or to take my pain away.
I was asking to be heard, to feel like my feelings mattered,
To know that when I opened up to you, my heart wouldn't feel shattered.
I can't promise I'll never overthink, that I'll never cry,
That I'll always find the perfect words or never question why.
But I can promise I'm still learning, still growing every day,
Still trying to find a healthier way to express what I can't always say.
And I'm learning that loving you shouldn't mean apologizing for every feeling that lives within me.
Because I can learn to communicate without tearing myself apart.
I can learn to listen without silencing my own heart.
And I can love you deeply, even when we're struggling to get through,
Without forgetting that the girl who loves you deserves understanding, too.
And maybe that's the hardest lesson love will ever teach me:
That I can be sorry for my mistakes without being sorry for being me.
Dear my first love, I will always cherish what you've meant to me.
But I am learning that loving you and protecting myself must exist together.
I can wish for us, pray for us, and hold our memories close,
Without losing the person I was before I loved you so.
Because somewhere beneath the sadness, beneath the fear of losing you,
There's still a girl with dreams to chase and things she wants to do.
A girl who deserves gentle words, who deserves a chance to heal,
Who deserves a love that doesn't make her question whether her feelings are real.
And even if we never find the answers to every question left between us,
Even if our story changes in ways neither of us intended,
I hope we remember that we were two people learning how to love,
Not two people who had to hurt to prove that love existed.
And maybe that's the hardest lesson my heart will ever learn:
I can love you with everything I have,
And still choose not to abandon myself.
Dear My First Love, I’m Sorry.
Written by: LibertyJones