My name is Andrew. I live in a rural area. It gets pretty boring out here, alone , afraid....
I stare at that word, written on my front porch in red paint. It was unnerving because I live alone, so alone that the closest living human is 10 miles away. I choose to live far away from everyone after my wife and daughter died in a car crash. Black tesla, my wife's car, slammed into a gray mini van.The kids in the neighborhood walking home from school with their mothers reminded me of what I had lost. I ignored that red paint. Little did I know I would regret that.
I got my old pressure washer out of my shed and took the paint off. Later in the night I heard something. It sounded like my wife and daughter giggling like they would watching some silly TV show. I shot up from my bed. It got louder as I walked into the dayroom. I felt something fall onto my arm. It was ... blood?
I look up and around to see blood dripping down the walls. Then my daughter came up behind me and stabbed me and my wife held me down. The last thing I heard was "afraid?" in my daughters distorted voice. I didn't know that they were in the tesla that Wendsay. I thought it was just another random human I had to pay medical bills for. Maybe next time I wont be afraid.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
142,257 Literary Works • 677,096 Reviews
So... Are you afraid?
Greetings review time baby!
This concept is super dope, I love the red paint the blood, the tragic backstory of all it is just so creepy, tragic and cool 😔👌
This is just a suggestion but I think this would be really cool if it was formatted like a journal entry from the main protagonist! Like you see the date in the first line along with their name because I feel like the “My name is Andrew” thing is a bit corny, it would just be a super cool and creepy found footage vibe even thought it’s not really footage but you know what I mean lol.
Also I think this would be great with less telling and more showing, like instead of just telling the reader they live in a rural area maybe take a moment to describe it in a way that shows it rural and boring without directly saying it cause not only will it be less boring to read but will also slow the pacing and gradually build suspense which will help obtain maximum spooks!
Also sorry to be annoying but you made a small mistake with the line “slammed into a gray mini van.The kids in the”
There’s supposed to be a space between van and the like this
“slammed into a gray mini van. The kids in the”
No big deal though happens all the time.
Overall love this concept but I feel like things were very on the nose and there was a bit of telling instead of showing but I would love to see where you go with this concept!
thank you so much for the feedback! If you liked my bite sized horror then stay tuned for my next one coming out called Daddy Long Legs!
Hey there! You had commented on one of my stories, so I figured I'd read this, (I also like reading mysteries lolll)
The whole scene in general is a nice idea. But there are quite a few things that would need touch-ups and help make it flow easily.
I don't think that he should say this right away. Maybe hint it? Like the introducing is fine, but it sounds like he's writing it. . .?
What word? The whole story seems short that it would help to know. . .
This is sad. He lost his wife and child, and having to be remembered is a nice touch, though more details would help.
This scene is too short. It's very choppy, maybe add detail on what he did and his thoughts.
This is sad and creepy as well. I think you're wanting to go for creepy though, so that was good.
This was also very choppy. I'm sorry if it sounds rude. It was very fast and it doesn't really show his fears or thoughts. How'd they get there? How did he not know that they were in his car?
Overall, I'm sorry if I sound rude. I'm hoping that this'll help you with future work. (depending on your age as well. . .) But keep up the work.
~ Jaye.
the word was afraid. Im so sorry It was confusing. Thank you so much for the feed back. I am 11 so thank you. but If You liked the theme stay ready for my next bite sized horror work that will be called Daddy Long Legs.