My lungs heave their final breath.
My right and innermost rib pokes
At it, I can feel the flesh
Move around the white hot bone
And separate, yield against it and
Rip. I can feel the bone deep inside,
Mixing with the air until I
Exhale marrow.
It dislodges and travels far from
Its cage, never to slot back into
Place again. And the other side
Pierces where my heart would be,
I feel the bone thump to the rhythm
Of my grief.
I will live a long time now, I will
Watch my skin decay and
Maggots eating at my raw muscle. I
Will observe as the bone presses tight
Against my skin until it
Reveals itself to me, finally.
It was not broken.
I will live in this fractured sorrow,
And my soul will continue on in
This mourning. My agony will mean
Nothing and I will chew on every
Word I wish I had said, I will heave
Every one that I did. I will gnaw on the
Space between until it gets stuck in
My throat, that my fingers will graze
It but it will remain lodged there.
That lump in my throat that feels
Like the wrath of almighty God when
I try to swallow it.
I will choke.
And I will relish in its sickly sweet
Feel as I hold my very rib in my hands
Begging God to love me enough for this
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142,253 Literary Works • 677,087 Reviews
yes mhm this is 'petrifyingly' attention-grabbing and i love the way you blended the final moments of life and the thought behind it.
a small issue i want to point out to make your poem stronger in its objective is you tend to cut off half of the sentence and fit it into the next line.
ofccc i understand if thats your style and this is just my personal preference!
but when you do that you can make readers pause or stumble because the rhythm wasnt the same in other stanzas.
this was the main part i was talking about.
the structure was great and the sensory language was beyond phenomenal, though the way each sentence is cut off to fit in the next line doesnt sound as flowing as if you tried to fit a shorter, meaningful sentence into one line.
to conclude, this was a really nice poem and you have a lot of potential!!
keep writinggg!
Hello!! Am moon.
First am saying you i loved this poem. It has that dark vibe. And i love your writing style i love that repetition, am really into poem that has repetition so yeah this one. And my favorite line is
Idk how to explain but this line stood out to me and yep i really resonated with this poem And yeah keep writing. Thank you for sharing!
The spirit of this poem is beautiful as well as haunting. It's like the heart is writing down to the body. It makes a person shift their attention right towards what is beneath our skins.
It's about decaying, it seems. The way you wrote it almost feels physical to a reader. I can imagine someone writing this in solitude while being lost in their own head. It has a kind of movement that pokes us as one reads, that's a real good sign.
To me it lightly feels like knots of the chest getting released revealing the boney soul underneath.
It's one poem that will bend seamlessly in one poetry book I have. 100 poems or something close to that line.
“My agony will mean nothing and I'll chew on every word I wish I said, I'll heave everyone that I did”
This line stood out more distinctly to me. I'm glad I didn't hear it in my last few days, it'd have felt even more bitter.
It introduces one to silent mourning of regret and grief as each line goes. The addition of God's wrath makes the piece more grounding somehow.
And here's are some corrections:
"My lungs heave its final breath" → Change "its" to "their"
"travels far from It's cage" → Change "It's" to "its".
"seperate" → Correct to "separate".
Feels lowkey weird to comment on someone's poem, feels like I'm naming every thought of another person. Reading them is ☀
Honest and empathic poem¡ ☁
Have a nice day : )