Published September 27, 2026
In KOTLC
(This is a fan fiction from Keeper of the Lost Cities. If you have not read the book this story will be very confusing.)
Sophie’s POV
(Sophie just found out that the neverseen created her. The black swan had taken her in and lied to her saying she was THEIR moonlark. She also just graduated from Foxfire.)
I can’t believe it. I thought I was good. It’s been like 6 years of lies. I know my biological mom is Oralie and my biological dad is Blur. Or whatever I’m supposed to call him. So many lies but this is…
“WHY!!!” I scream and Sandor, Grady, and Edaline come rushing in.
“Why what? Are you hurt?” Sandor says in his squeaky voice. I forgot that I hadn’t told them. Oh well. Why keep secrets?
”I’m.. not the black swan’s moonlark.” I decide to just blurt it all out there. “I’m a villain. I was made to destroy and the black swan… is a huge liar and are running this game.” Once I start I can’t stop. I’m telling them everything that has happened over the last 24 hours. When I finish I finally look at them. They don’t look mad or scared of me like I thought, they look….Like they knew it.
”You….You knew!?” I scream unexpectedly. “No sorry. It’s been a day.”
Edaline sits down next to me on my huge canopy bed and takes my hands waiting for me to look at her.
”We DID NOT know but… the black swan has been, well different. Disconnected. I think we all suspected that something was up.” She looks at Grady and then back at me.
”I think we need to wait before we tell her.” Sandor interrupts when Edaline opens her mouth. “Sophie looks like she needs a little sleep.”
”Wait, what? What were you going to tell me?” I look around at all the faces trying to figure out what it might be. “Just tell me! You know I’ll never be able to sleep. With this, what you aren’t telling me, and… something else.”
”Miss. Foster, I suggest you sleep.” Sandor said firmly. “This news is going to be extra hard without proper resting. And now this.. Well, sleep is the best option.”
“But it’s only 5!” I whine. “It’s too early Sandor!”
“Just a better reason to go to bed.” Sandor replied.
”But.. why?” I am so confused. Why is 5:00 a good time to sleep?
”Because you’ll be restless until your body can’t stay awake. So I predict it will take 2-3 hours until that happens. So instead of falling asleep at 11:00 you can fall asleep at… 8:00.” Sandor looks at Grady and Edaline for their approval and when they nod along with this plan I groan.
“You can’t be serious?” I complain.
”We are absolutely serious Miss. Foster.” Sandor says.
”And how about you can shower and have dinner before you hop in bed?” Grady says. “I think that sounds like a good compromise don’t you?”
“I think that’s great.” Edaline and Sandor agree. I can’t believe this. One minute I was telling them about my ‘moonlark problems’ then the next I’m going to bed! I sigh but do what I’m told. I’m pretty sure I have a barging chip in this but I have to wait and see. Until tomorrow.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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142,337 Literary Works • 677,277 Reviews
This chapter has a multiple issues many of which @4evergreen pointed out. First off I don't particularly like the AI poster and while I personally have issues with it but is not the main issue I'm here to bring up.
First off I would like to address your explanation for why you wrote it this way (which is under @4evergreen's review for anyone curious) so it's a fanfiction.. please put that in the opening!
I hate how you use the shorten form of biological it feels so lazy. The whole thing feels lazy and very rushed.
The story itself.. there is no story here! Nothing is explained or shown to us, for all we know these characters could be unicorns or giraffes, in the middle of a medieval town!
And the ending!
I you on a cliffhanger?! It's "I left you on a cliffhanger" but unless your audience is dumb they will know when and if there's a cliffhanger, you don't need to tell us, it's not even clever!
Learn grammar, read a book on how to set up a story, anything! We don't know what a moonlurk is, we don't know who Sophie is, who here friends are and where ever the hell they are!
I have faith you can be a good writer, you can create compelling stories but you have to try. Things come from hardwork but the fruits of that trial and error and the learning experience are what count. It's not how it starts... it's how it ends.
Ok. You are VERY harsh and if you must know I am only in 5th grade not a high school writer. I’m also not judging you at all for your criticism. I believe that you need some constructive criticism to be really good. I also thank you for believing in me. People like you are what I need. Helpful, honest, you criticize, but you also believe. Thank you for these comments and I hope to change this right away!
I was guessing you were on the younger side. I will admit however I can be quite rushed in my own writing and it's something I need to work on as well.
As you see I'm also not good at explaining what I mean concisely. I'm so embarrassed by all my reviews, they feel so horrid and rushed and as if no care was put into them. What I'm saying is I still have weakness I also need to work on.
Of course! I changed it to try my best but if you have any more feedback please tell me. I also wanted to say the photo/cover art is NOT AI generated. ♥️
this was a fun chapter but I am confused a bit because I don't know what happened before and it does feel like a chapter already a part way through a book. Sophie has an excitable personality and way of speaking that I find good since it is compelling and a right fit for young adult audiences. I don't know what the never seen or the black swan is, so I don't completely understand everything in the story at this moment but it appears that the circumstances around Sophie's upbringing were a lie and she has just found a truth. This is a good plot for a YA story. I think if you worked a bit on the pacing and explained or had more scenes from the past of the plot, it would be a good opening chapter
Hi there! Welcome to YWS!
Is this the first chapter? I definitely feel a little lost! The plot is very interesting but it seems like I am missing so much. Who is the main character? What does she look like? Where is she in this scene? We're missing a lot of sensory details that could help us picture the scene. I also think there's a lot more that could be explained, because we're dropped right into a crucial moment, but we don't have any context on the buildup! If there are other chapters, I'd love to read them to figure out what is happening!
I think Sophie seems like a cool character, and the idea that she's found out this huge secret is a very cool plot point. The friends seem like they could be great additions if we got to know them a bit better! And the cliffhanger definitely hooked me; I need to read more!
Some observations whilst reading:
ooh okay, we're being thrown straight in. I feel like that may have been the better place to start so we could have the world and situation built up for us a bit more?
Is the dad called Blur? Or is she saying, my dad is a blur ( as in she doesn't remember him ) if it's his name, it needs a capital!
New speech should go on a new line!
that 'are' in bold should be 'is'
I wish we got to know what she said instead of skipping over it; since we are thrown into this story with not much context, we don't have much to go off!
Hi! I’m so so so sorry! I totally forgot that there might be readers that haven’t read the books. This is based off of Keeper of the Lost Cities by Shannon Messager. You should read it but you don’t have to. You do have to read it if you want to understand it better. I forgot about this huge fact. Thanks for bringing it up and being the first to comment! What do you think I should do next? I’m new and really open to ideas. Do you think a should delete it and try again or try to give more context? Thanks again and have a good time reading and writing!
Ooo okay yes I had no idea it was based on a book! That makes much more sense. Maybe you could add a little note that briefly explains the plot of the book in the comments for those who don’t know it? I’ll certainly add it to my reading list though!
♥️ Thank you for understanding! I also have a question I hope you can answer! I’m new and don’t know how to edit it after I publish it. How do you also add sections both before and after you publish it? I hope you can answer me!
when you're on the page for your work, at the top should be a button that says 'edit work' ! then make sure you save it
Thanks a lot!!!