Her thoughts are gone
Her hearts beating too fast
Where is she right now?
Her head is stuck in the past
Can't breathe, where are her lungs?
Is she dying? People around her speaking in tongues
Who are they? What are they saying?
Wasn't she in danger? She gasps as her body starts swaying
Players in team jerseys stand in confusion
"Why can't she breathe?" But she's stuck in an illusion
Her side vision is gone, only a tunnel she sees
"You're gonna die, you're gonna die." Her head repeatedly screams
Memories from a month ago flash in her brain
That game that caused her trauma, now fresh like a blood stain
Her coach comes over, trying to calm her down
But his voice is muffled, her commonsense on shutdown
Her heart is beating so hard, is it going to break?
All the weight it has carried after one mistake
Blood thumps in her skull, her vision blurry at best
She gets walked off the field, everything slow and messed
She tries to catch her breath, reaching for oxygen that's gone
How did she get on the ground? The last of her consciousness strained and drawn
When her surroundings start to make sense, she sees the people who stare
They gape at her weakness, never knowing her psyche could tare
This wasn't the first, and wasn't the last
Of this awful disease called panic attacks
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142,252 Literary Works • 677,084 Reviews
This was my favorite piece.
This was a nice poem, and it's a great way to describe anxiety/panic attacks. It's a little confusing in different ways, but primarily it was really good!
Isn't she already sitting? I was a little confused with this part. But other than that, it was nice.
Keep up the good work!
~ Jaye.
Hi! Overall this poem has a heart, but I think a lot could be refined. If you've experienced a panic attack, i'm so sorry! I hope you don't take my critique to heart, and please talk to someone!
There were really only two things I would change here, with one being Dont tell me what to think. I do like a few of the words you chose, but you did tell me what was happening rather than letting me imagine it. Refining words or phrases like:
could really unlock the potential of this peace. This leads me to my second critique which is rhythm coupled with word choice. If you were going for an offbeat rhythm - you absolutely accomplished it, but I think it could be a little better. Panic attacks are often fast, and some sentences are a little clunky like;
Their not bad words, in fact they do a good job of describing the situation. However it could drastically improve with smoother words, transitions, and shorter sentences.
I do like the phrase;
It makes it awfully real because many people feel this way during a panic attack, a sentence I would absolutely keep.
Overall, please don't take all my critiques to heart. Your poem has a lot of potential, but as a writer, there are always improvements to be made, whether over weeks, months, or years. Keep writing!
Hi and thank you for your critique! I do like it when people give me these types of constructive criticism because it really helps me understand where I need to work on in my writting.
I did write this in the span of 15 minutes so I didnt try really hard admittedly 😅
Hello! Am moon.
i understand how it feel. And i really liked this this poem and my favorite line was " you're gonna die, you're gonna die" and thats true while having panic attack we feel like everything blur and feel like we gonna die or going crazy.The funny thing is, I had a minor panic attack just a few hours before I came across this poem. It felt like such a coincidence, and reading it made me feel understood.ok now
Thank you! I'm glad you felt understood. This was based on a personal experience I had and I know the feeling. Also if you ever need to chat about it I'm always free to talk : )
Thank ya
hii, this is a really well-written poem on panic attacks, and i feel like you developed that feeling very realistically raw. one thing that makes me pause a lot while reading this was some of the phrases didnt flow well enough for me to read it line by line continuously. but overall you established great descriptions and the way you can use words to make readers FEEL that same panic attack is really impressive!!
Thank you for your review! Do you mind sharing the phrases made you pause because they didnt flow right? I want to understand because I might write this a little better 😅
yess! in stanzas 2-3 you emphasized her feelings using questions, but i thought it sounded like a conversation of whispers between people. your poem is very conversational, and maybe that's your vibe so it's my personal preference! but conversational poems makes me read it more like a diary than it is a poem w rhythms. have a nice day!!
Hello,
This is a very nice poem about Panic Attacks. It's not often that you see someone picking this topic to write about, and you've done it well.
I really like the rhyme scheme of the poem. It gives this poem a sense of continuity. The rhyming scheme also seems to give a sense of urgency, which is what one would want when trying to portray a panic attack scene. I also like the narration in the poem. It was continuous, and not once did I feel an abrupt shift in the poem.
One thing that didn't work for me was the ending. Compared to the rest of the poem, it feels too abrupt. The flow that was maintained throughout the poem was suddenly broken there.
Overall, it was quite good. Except for the ending, which I found a little weaker, the rest of the poem is great.
Thank you so much for your review! Yes the ending was abrupt thanks for pointing that out. I will definitely take this into other poems I do to try to work on my endings 😅