Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Chapter One : I meet a human girl
I fell
Yeah,you heard that right,I fell.From where? Hell.How does a demon fall from Hell,you're probably wondering.By falling in love with the Angel Queen.
Maybe i should get started
My name is Demon and I fell from Hell.
I was sent by Hell's Council to a human high school.For what?To search for a human who shows skills to be the one who shall overthrow the angels.Other trackers had narrowed it down to the LGBTQ+ in this school.
I slammed my locker closed,holding my books like a human would.The hallway was crowded with human students going to class.I ignored everyone else until I spotted a vampire.What the Hell ,was a vampire doing here at this school?
Busy with watching the vampire,I bumped into a human.Before she could fall I wrapped my arm around her.
Once the girl was steady,I let her go."Are you okay?"
"I'm fine.I'm such such a klutz.I'm sorry for bumping into you"
I sighed.Her clumsy? I would say she was probably the one who drew the vampire here.Her scent and innocence were hard to resist even for me."No, the fault is mine.I should have been paying more attention."
She didn't walk away like I expected but instead stayed "I know this is totally off topic,but are you new here?I'm Adaleta by the way."
I wanted to sneak away right then and there.I always got caught with shit like this"Yeah,I'm a transfer student.I'm Demon.Could you lead me to Mr.Hooker's room?"
Her face lit up,clearly she was someone who liked helping people"I have him next period too.Follow me"
I followed her,catching the scent of an angel on her.
What was that doing there?Was she involved with an angel?Or was she an angel herself?If any of my guesses were correct then my mission was going to be way harder than I expected.
On the way to Mr.Hooker's room me and Adaleta bumped into the vampire.
Fine,I admit it, I bumped into him.
"Watch it new kid."He said snarling"I run the show here.Learn your place"
I walked up to his face,preparing for a reaction that would lead to a fight and whispered"I will, bloodsucker"
The look on his face was enough to make me almost laugh.It was hard to make me even chuckle."New kid you're good.There is an angel named Stark.He's an ally with us"
He thinks an angel could be an ally?
"Why would he be helping us without betraying his own kind and risking death?"I said " But have you found the human?"
"No I haven't."He whispered as we entered Mr.Hooker's room
I walked up to Mr.Hooker's desk and handed him my slip.He took it and placed me in the empty seat in between the vampire and Adaleta.
As soon as I sat down I realized the angel ,Stark was at the table.
" So you guys are gonna do a project " Mr.Hooker said while walking around the room after the bell rang " About myths.Yes,any myth but your table will also have to agree"
"We should do Greek myths"Adaleta suggested " Everyone knows them so it would be easy to pass."
Acting completely in sync,the vampire,the angel and I all shot that idea down.
I watched as Mr.Hooker came around the room offering ideas to groups.Then it came to me.
The myths that only a supernatural would know.
"Why don't we do one about the myth that has the Demon Boss"
The angel looked at me and nodded
"I'm in if we include the Angel Queen in that.But Clirk and Adaleta has to agree"
"If we don't include the Vampire King in it,then I'm out, "Clirk said.
He shared a look with the angel,almost as if they knew something that Adaleta and I didn't.
I was going to look into that later.
"I'm in if someone explains what those myths are about"Adaleta said"I don't want to be the one who's lost here"
I looked to Clirk and Stark trying to see if they were preparing to tell her.They weren't,but I was.
"It's a myth about vampire,angels and demons being united."I explained "The Demon Boss was the Angel Queen's lover.Meanwhile the Vampire King was friends with both of them.All three of them together they stopped the fighting between all of them until all of them died."
I only thought the Vampire King was dead,there were rumors about his whereabouts but I never listened to them.If two out of the three were dead it made sense that millions of years later all three were dead.
Clirk's face changed to something I assumed as annoyance."No,not all of them are dead.The Vampire King is still alive.You should know about the rumors seeing how your father is connected to the person spreading them."
My father?What did he know about my father?
I would bet he didn't know that I barely knew my father.He was almost like a stranger to me.I was raised by my mother and sisters.On a good day I was lucky if one of my brothers even talked to me.
"How do you even know about my father?I barely even know you"I asked him
"You don't know.You don't even know why your father treats you like he does.But yet somehow you mention a past you should know very well"
"Clirk,if he doesn't know,then wait until lunch or after class with me to tell him"Stark said,butting in.How did Clirk trust him?
"Yeah and don't you lead the Angel Queen's armies,waiting for her to be reborn"Clirk retorted "After all you did fuck her before your brother did.But now you're dating Demon's sister"
Stark was dating one of my sisters?
"Cassie's fine with what I'm doing and she knows what I know"
Stark was dating my favorite sister.But what did she know before I did?Why was I being told now by people I never met until today?
"And how do you know she didn't tell the person who killed him before?Her father did and probably will try killing him again"Clirk said " I would say you can't fucking trust her"
What the hell did Clirk mean about my father killing someone?Seeing how my father was Satan,it didn't surprise me that my father is known for killing someone.
"She trained Demon.She's a better fighter than her father.So he knows ways that his father doesn't.Unlike before"
Then out of nowhere,Stark slipped me a note.
We need to talk after class.It's about your past.I can tell you.It would probably make you trust me.
For the rest of class,we talked about what parts of the myths we should include in the project.
Once the bell rang,I made a dash for the door.
Fuck Stark and his information I didn't need it.
What I needed was to confront my sister
End of chapter
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Hello, today I will talk about grammar and how a sentence(s) made me feel, let's go!
Grammar: You should space your commas and periods like this, see? Easy.
Feeling: I like it overall so far.
Grammar: Besides poems you should capitalize your I and at the end of the "Maybe I should get started" it should have a period.
Feeling: The name demon.. for a demon... very creative...
Grammar: again.. spaces, spaces!
Feeling: Neutral.
So many grammar issues! Grammar:
Spoiler
Feeling: Spotted? Why not sensed a vampire, afterall demons and vampires are both undead monsters. The only way I could spot a vampire is by someone's paleness or sharp teeth but even then I would think it's some edgy or kid playing a prank.
Grammar: Solid again besides the spacing!
Feeling: How old is this demon? Ahh the save a falling woman but do it romantically. It's a classic romance trope. Nothing wrong with it.
Grammar: Nothing but the usual complaint.
Feeling: Solid but uh... I understand why a vampire would love innocence as it comes with naivety so easily to manipulate to suck their blood but why would a demon also find that hard to resist? A demon can do possession and whisper into any man or woman's ear with or without them being naive.
Grammar: Nothing but the usual.
Feeling: Why would he want to sneak away after she asks him that? I do not understand, if someone asked me that I would just feel shy and quietly reply "Yeah, I'm new." he that shy?
Grammar: Same old, same old.
Feeling: Why not sensing? He's a demon! You don't have to make him fully attached to the physical world, be creative, give him these demon powers! Though I would think his powers are less when he's disguising as a physical creature and yes O believe demons cane shapeshift.
The middle part is where I don't have a lot to say so I'll be skipping a lot.
Again as the others have said very fast paced which works against the story especially with these kind of beings and romance.
I decided to make sure that people would see demons in a different way.So in order to do that I had to make sure vampires can't taste innocence but make demons be able to smell it coming off of someone.It's always a virigin who is able to get demons to take their innocence
Hey there!
I figured that I'd read your stories! I'm typically not interested in stories like this just because of personal reasons. But I read it anyway, and I'll say that it was interesting!
A couple of things that I didn't really like was that it was a little confusing. Such as, why was Demon (is that his name?) very chatty? I feel like the reader would typically suspect that he'd be more gothic or broody in a way before anything. It was pretty fast paced, and overall the whole story seemed a little confusing.
There is grammar that needs to be fixed but overall it was nice!
In this scene, wouldn't they be more cautious because of everyone? And wouldn't he not want to bring much attention to himself? I was just a little confused here. And the fact that he knew almost immediately afterwards is a little confusing as well.
What did they mean by that? Do you mean that the father trained the sister and that she became better?
So far, my favorite part of this scene was him running into Adaleta, (I love her name by the way)
Some Questions that I have.
- How does he know that they're a vampire & an angel?
- Why isn't he cautious around them?
- How do they all know about the demons, angels, etc.
- Are there humans in this story? If so, do they know that there are supernatural people there?
Otherwise, this was a good story so far! Great work!
~ Jaye.
Thank you for the suggestion.
Demon knows about how they're a vampire and angel because he has spent time around them since he's the youngest son of Satan and the eniemes of demons are angels and they vampires are allies with the demons.Plus it's also from smell
Adaleta doesn't know about the demons,angels and vampires.
Adaleta is a human herself.And Demon's mission is a human herself
I now suppose it may have been a little rude of me to just complain and leave, so I might look at some of the nicer things. I think this had a really good premise, I just think it was a little messy. One thing I do want to note is that you've rated this 12+ for language, but I feel like you could have rated it 16+ for mature content and language, as it does discuss sex, like the line "after all, you did fuck her before your brother did." I think the overall story could be a lot better if you toned down the language a little bit, it would be a bit cleaner.
~ Kiki >+<
I'm also free to help you with the punctuation if you want to PM me :)
I might have to change it to the YA age
I suggest you do. thank you ;)
I just did. YA age is 16+
mhm
Greetings, you have encountered a Mac in the wild that will review your snazzy story.
Firstly I just really love the concept the idea of an undercover demon going to a high school as a spy can make a really school story when done right.
But the main thing that really bothered me was the punctuations, remember to add a space every time you use a common or period, here’s an example.
"I'm fine.I'm such such a klutz.I'm sorry for bumping into you"
Instead of writing it like that try writing it like this
"I'm fine, I'm such a klutz, sorry for bumping into you”
I’m not the best a grammar either but try using commas when it’s not a complete thought and you also made a typo writing “such twice” but no worried happens all the time, but remember to at least ad spaces to your punctuation.
Also I feel like the pacing is a bit too fast like we’re suddenly introduced to a vampire and angel seemingly out of nowhere. It just through me off guard espically when the main character said he knew they were a vampire like how did he know what do they look like? To prevent this information from being thrown at us out of nowhere maybe save the revelation that this character is a vampire for later and just have the main character spot someone who looks odd and some way but they just can’t figure out what they just seem creepy and a bit pale, and then we’ll learn there a vampire later.
It also seemed a bit too convenient that the demon, angel and vampire happened to be in the sms class partners for this assignment. Maybe just have only the angel or vampire be the demon’s partner that way we’ll have an opportunity to learn more about one of these characters specifically in more detail.
Also I feel like a lot of lore was just kinda dumped at us all at once, I’d try to save some of this for future chapters and try more showing and less telling.
But overall I think this idea is really interesting and would love to see where you take this concept, I hope you keep writing my friend 👍
That's just the surface of the lore
okay just a tip, punctuation doesn't work like that.
I'm working on that
okay
It's intresting, do u have More chapters.
I do. But I have almost all of it on paper,but currently typing out chapter 2
This is good