“Chapter [] (2)”

I contemplate the pills. I wonder how Myo’s last moments were. Was she scared? Did she feel as scared as I do as I stare down at these pale capsules of death? A single one is enough. A single one is worth my life. Was she cold when she laid down on her bedroom floor, was she lonely remembering every laugh and sob left within these walls, did she wonder how I would live my life without her? Did she mourn herself and me and tomorrow, knowing she would miss all of us? 

I can’t help but imagine her last moments. Did she curl up on the floor, lean against the side of her blanket, and close her eyes as she waited for the numbing cold to consume her? And her final thoughts as her body began to fall asleep for the final time—was it regret? Acceptance? Did she think of me as I think of her now? Her chest rising and falling in heavy, arduous, weakening, useless breaths, shuddering—before her eyes slipped closed, and she went still, releasing a soft, gentle huff of air like a sigh of relief.

2:21 pm, reads the clock when I start feeling my stomach seize and shiver in pain. The sky is pitch dark, almost as if it were night. It isn’t raining anymore, though I can barely check from where I am curled up on the floor. 

I can’t move my head. Nausea crawls over me like a thousand centipedes. I don’t want to move. I just want to sleep. I miss Myo.

2:23 pm. I want to vomit, but I can’t. I feel sick. My stomach hurts. Tight and sharp. It hurts so, so much, more like I stabbed a dagger into myself than swallowed a pill.

2:25 pm. I know I’m going to die soon. I just hope this book ends…

2:27 pm. Maybe this was all just a mistake? What if I wake up tomorrow, on the third of January? My head aches. I can’t think straight. I hope I don’t regret this.

2:29 pm. A way to go back and fix everything would be nice. I wish I had a happy ending. I wish Myo could have been here. My head is spinning, my vision is flickering like a dying candle, and I see darkness swimming through it, unrestrained by logic. 

2:31 pm. Will it ever end? I hope I die soon. I can’t go on. I can’t breathe. Every short gasp I take makes me feel like I’m suffocating. My chest hurts. I don’t know whether it’s from the pills or the grief.

2:32 pm. I feel my eyes drift closed in exhaustion. Good night. We can watch the sunset together. Endings are just as beautiful as beginnings. But endings are most marvelous watched together. 

Myo….

I miss you…

Can you come back?

Please?

I’ll do anything…

Just to see you one last time….