The Thing You Give Me

You gave it to me, but I didn’t understand. Back then, I didn’t know what it meant or what to do with it. You called it “uhd-VYS,” a word foreign and heavy, impossible for me to grasp. Why was this one thing so important to you? You kept offering more and more, your persistence unwavering. I didn’t listen; I only complained and whined. Why did you never give up on me? Even now, you continue to give. I wonder, do you see my struggle, or do you simply believe I’ll understand one day?

When I need what you’ve given me most, I can’t seem to find it, and you’re no longer beside me. As I grow taller, you seem unchanged, distant, like time is moving for me but not for you. I see you less and less, your presence fading into memory. Where have you gone when I need you most? Why do I sense your absence in moments I crave your guidance? Why are you awake at one in the morning, lost in the glow of a white rectangle?

I look back. I was wrong. I was stupid. I regret every word I once said and believed about you. You give me more and more, as wrinkles spread across your forehead and your skin sags down. You all of a sudden have so much time to talk now. I won’t admit it. I never will. I cherish every word that spills out of your mouth. I hold it close to my heart, replaying it over and over again in my head. I finally understand your “advice.” As I begin to comprehend the complexity of everything you have once said to me, your hair loses color and soon falls to the ground. Where is it going? Why has your back begun to hurt? Why do you mention the words “when I pass”? I no longer understand the words you say.

I need “advice” as people begin to pry and pick at my life. My friends have begun to emphasize more than ever that they are better. Why are people so mean now? Why am I facing this without you now? Where have you gone? Why are you walking away from me? Do you choose to, or is this just your way of saying goodbye? Why say goodbye? What is stopping you from staying?

Please give me more. I need more… I need you. Please stay with me… I can’t live without the things you give me.

You are gone. The clock chimes one o’clock. My head begins to spin. A white bright rectangle stares back at me. My eyes sag down. My back aches into an immaculate C-shape.

I no longer remember the words you once said to me, but I have begun to repeat them. People at the height of my hip listen to me, as their faces twist in confusion. Was this what I was like? So innocent and tiny?

I get up from the large cushioned chair and start towards the door. The stars are blocked by the pollution. A statement pops into my mind.

“Teatan, the pollution is like the mean people in the world. They cover the beautiful shining stars, but once you look past them… You can see the whole galaxy. With this, I believe you can build a telescope. You don't need me, or anyone else.”