Published March 30, 2011
This was an experiment with repetition and formatting. You'll be seeing a lot of experimenting by me for a while.
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Hello there. I guess the experiment was successful for you if you take the formatting and repetitions into consideration. Other than that, it was not so good. There was no theme or I can say a story sort to the poem. I just read it through and I couldn't even feel a thing. It was just a few lines brought together just for the sake of making an experiment work.
I would recommend to elongate it a bit and improve the material in it.
It was good but could have been better.
Keep writing. (:
Hey WritersUnleashed, T here. I have to say this was a successful experiment. I've tried (and failed miserably) when it came to repetition in poetry, but this is very well written. I have to say I don't have any nitpicks (Yeah!), I just have a question. I love metaphors and leaving vague perceptions of what happened; therefore letting the reader use there own imagination to decipher what happened next, but I just barley understood what happened. So did the truck run over the narrator trying to save their brother? Or did the narrator witness the truck run over their brother? I have to say I read over the poem a couple of times to see if there was any clue to either happening and I was left with no answer. But otherwise this was very good and seemed very emotional. Keep writing!
-T