Deep thoughts lately O⁠_⁠o

One thing I've noticed as I've gotten older is that I need to stop caring as much. Before, when I was the quiet kid, teachers would praise me for being "mature for my age". You got student awards for being respectful, responsible, wise, and more. But all that time, it just made me believe I had to be that kid. I had to be quiet. I had to blend into the wall. To be the "good kid" teachers praised and considered their best student. The smart one.

Then, at the same time, they felt bad for you in a way. So they were almost like your friends. Looking back, I realized how codependent I was on adult validation. I almost thought I was better than kids my age. But when I step out of line, I get such anxiety like I'm the worst student ever. It's weird that I have so much social anxiety now about everything. That one little mistake is a death sentence. That if I can't do one subject perfectly or get passing grades in it, then I'm simply dumb, a failure, an inconvenience. Even when I'm exceeding in all my other classes.

But if I'm failing math, it's like I'm the stupidest person alive to myself and everyone. And if I need help or I fail at something, I'm the biggest problem for teachers ever. Again with that adult validation. I've realized now in my teens, when I look back a few years when I was younger, that I'd rather have fun moments to look back on with friends than look back at me sitting alone at every recess. Or having anxiety attacks over one failed math test while not thinking about my multiple amazing writing assignments or tests that I got 100% on. I'd rather make a few mistakes than sit and only think about all the things I've done wrong in life.

I know I'm still very young now, but it's crazy that I had to grow up so fast as a younger kid that now, I can think deeply about my life. But as much as growing up fast gave me more wisdom of life at a young age, it also took away so much of my childhood. It gave me so much anxiety. So, I encourage you if this sounds similar to anything you've experienced: try not thinking so much about everything. Live free in moments with friends and do things you love to do. Trust me, it will make you so much happier to focus on other things in life.

Sincerely Zacky