Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
You say I am a fool
To believe in God
You say I should never pray
To God
I must pray to God
Every night before
I go to bed
You say I should stay up
Doing some work for God
I never stay up
I go to bed early every night
So that I can get a proper sleep
Yes I need eight hours of sleep
So that I can function properly
You say that I should make friends
With rich people
Sorry that will never happen
Because the rich people despise the poor
All my friends are middle class
You say that I should smoke some dope
Because that will be good for me
That is not true
If I smoke dope I would be
Killing myself
You say what is wrong with me
That I should be used to the winter by now
I never got used to the Winter yet
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If I should be honest I find your piece disjointed,
I find the conversational approach interesting, particularly the recurring "You say", but I'm struggling to identify the central thought holding everything together. Religion, sleep, social class, drugs and winter seem to exist independently of one another. I think you need a stronger thematic direction, something that connects these observations and gives the piece a sense of progression. Perhaps you're exploring individuality and the resistance to societal expectations? (i too have a couple about the theme myself)
If so, I'd love to see that explored more deliberately. There's something here, but I think it needs more cohesion.
Each observation is understandable on its own, but the relationship between them isn't immediately apparent.
What connects them? are you rejecting other people's expectations? Defending their lifestyle? Expressing frustration with unsolicited advice?
your poem have several thoughts , but they don't yet feel like parts of the same conversion .