THE OVERNIGHT CONVENIENCE STORE
INT. HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT WHO LIVES NEARBY
ITSUKI is a second year high school student who lives nearby. The distance between his school and his house is just a 30 minutes walk. He could claim that he knows every corner around the school, but he didn't tell anyone about it.
Long holiday just finished, ITSUKI and his family went out of town for a family visit. He is used for such routine, so he never complained. He doesn't even have a girlfriend or anyone to be around during holiday, so it's better than staying at his room all day.
INT. CLASSROOM
UNKNOWN 1
Good Morning!
UNKNOWN 2, UNKNOWN 3
Good Morning!
UNKNOWN 1
Itsuki!
ITSUKI
Eh!?
UNKNOWN 1
Why didn't you reply to my good morning?
ITSUKI
Ah, sorry. I was reading this one.
UNKNOWN 1
Isn't that last week release? Why are you still reading it?
ITSUKI
I was out of town, you know? I haven't even finished it yet.
UNKNOWN 1
Ah, your family thing, right? Wrap it up before I spoil it to you later.
That was the class rep, IROHA. She is the most cheerful person in the classroom. Also the only person that talk to ITSUKI in the class. ITSUKI isn't getting bullied, or an introvert, or anything. He is just talk when he wants to talk. But IROHA is the only person that could force ITSUKI to talk, even if he didn't want to. He actually kinda enjoyed the small talks with IROHA.
HOMEROOM TEACHER
Before we wrap our homeroom session. IROHA and ITSUKI, please come to meeting room after school.
IROHA
Understood!
Homeroom teacher wraps his belongings. IROHA immediately looks at ITSUKI, but he throws his face to window.
IROHA (CONT'D)
(speaks in whisper) Itsuki. Don't. you. dare. to. run.
ITSUKI knows that today will be a long day.
INT. GOING HOME
ITSUKI
(exhales massively) Hahhhhhhhh
IROHA
I KNOW RIGHT!
ITSUKI
I didn't even say a word...
IROHA
BUT I KNOW! I CAN FEEL YOU!
ITSUKI
...
IROHA
I know that the senpai are going to focus on the university entrance exam. Which means the committee will rely on us, the second year student. But at this point... at this point...
ITSUKI
I know. Don't force yourself.
IROHA
Still!
ITSUKI
Why are you going to this direction anyway?
IROHA
You ignored me
ITSUKI
I did. Because you are literally going to my home.
IROHA
You are way ahead of yourself, you know? I am not going to your home.
ITSUKI
Then why going this way?
IROHA
I heard that there is a new convenience store around here. So I am buying snacks for binge-studying later.
ITSUKI
Huh!?
IROHA
Didn't you also eat snacks while binge-studying?
ITSUKI
I do, but, a new convenience store!?
IROHA
Huh!? Isn't this basically your area? Why are you surprised?
ITSUKI
I know that I was out of town during holiday, but I don't think its possible for...
IROHA
Look, its around that corner, come on!
IROHA dragged ITSUKI by hand, while ITSUKI was trying to think of something in his head. But IROHA's grip make his head won't cooperate with him.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE
ITSUKI
You bought a ton...
IROHA
...It's a stock for the week!
ITSUKI
Sure...
IROHA
Hey, ITSUKI... It's getting late... Can I wait at your place until my brother pick me up?
ITSUKI
Sure
They arrived at ITSUKI's front door. Both of them have been silent after going to the convenience store. ITSUKI doesn't know how to break the silence as well. He wants to quickly open up the door and let her rest. He touches his pocket, it's flat. He immediately put down his bag, then searches for something in hurry. IROHA who notices it immediately break the silence between the two.
IROHA
ITSUKI, what are you looking for?
ITSUKI
Uh... wait... there is no way...
IROHA looks at ITSUKI with her tilted head.
Meanwhile ITSUKI walks toward the door, knocks it, then says in moderate volume
ITSUKI (CONT'D)
Mom... Dad... are you home?
HOME
...
ITSUKI
We are in situation. It seems like I dropped my key. So I want you to wait at the backyard. And I will go back to search for the key.
IROHA
I will come with you
ITSUKI
No, it's okay. I want you to wait here. Actually, let me bring your bags to backyard.
IROHA
Are you sure, ITSUKI?
ITSUKI
Yup, a hundred percent sure. Please wait here. I have mineral bottles in my plastic bag, please drink them.
IROHA
Okay, please be careful, ITSUKI. I'll wait.
ITSUKI looked at IROHA, then at the plastic bags. ITSUKI believes that IROHA will be fine with all the snacks and mineral bottles. So he immediately dashed out.
He carefully look around the path he walked to. Suddenly his head starts to cooperate again. IROHA's purchase had an extra pennies. At that time, IROHA looks troubled while searching for those pennies in her wallet. So, ITSUKI tried to find any pennies around his pockets.
ITSUKI
Annoying pennies, ugh!
ITSUKI hurriedly dashed to the corner where the convenience store was around, but...
ITSUKI (CONT'D)
What the...?
This is the same place, right?
Where is the convenience store?
ITSUKI scans the whole area while panting. He is sure that he gets the right place. But he can't find the convenience store.
He keeps walking around the area, as if he doesn't believe his own eyes. The place that supposed to be a convenience store, is now a huge mossed wall with small cracks here and there.
ITSUKI doesn't get what is happening to him. It's all feels like a nightmare. He accidentally touch one of his pocket, and it's bumpy.
ITSUKI (CONT'D)
Hmm!?
He reaches the item inside his pocket, suddenly shiver runs down through his body. It's the key that he has been looking for, and it's in his pocket. Before the shiver finished, he already scrams.
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142,323 Literary Works • 677,256 Reviews
I enjoyed this. The conversations between Itsuki and Iroha have a certain casual charm to them. There's a pleasant contrast between her outgoing nature and his more reserved disposition, which makes their interactions a natural place for the story to establish its characters before introducing something more unsettling. The disappearance of the convenience store is an intriguing turn, too. What begins as an ordinary school-life story gives way to something inexplicable, and the key suddenly appearing in Itsuki's pocket adds another layer of unease to the ending.
Some structural and grammatical issues make the story difficult to follow. The screenplay format is a perfectly valid stylistic choice, but the piece occasionally shifts between screenplay conventions and conventional prose narration without a clear distinction. For instance, the character descriptions and explanatory passages interrupt the dialogue in ways that make the presentation feel inconsistent. I'd also recommend reviewing the tense, subject-verb agreement, and phrasing throughout; there are several instances where the wording feels unnatural or obscures the intended meaning. Most importantly, I think the transition from the everyday school setting to the supernatural mystery could benefit from more deliberate pacing. The premise has potential, and giving the unsettling elements room to develop while tightening the narration would make the final revelation more effective.
Thank you for this read.
Heyy!! I really enjoyed this! It started off feeling so normal with Itsuki and Iroha just talking about school, snacks, studying, and the new convenience store, which honestly made the ending creepier because I was NOT expecting things to suddenly get weird like that.
I really liked the dynamic between Itsuki and Iroha too. Their little conversations felt natural, especially the “I didn't even say a word...” / “BUT I KNOW! I CAN FEEL YOU!” part Their friendship made the beginning feel light and comfortable before everything changed.
The part where Itsuki realizes he lost his key was such a good setup too, because at first it just feels like a normal annoying situation. And then he gets back to the supposed convenience store and there's literally just this huge moss-covered wall there?? HELLO?? That was definitely the moment where I was like okay WHAT is happening.
And then he finds the key... IN HIS OWN POCKET. That ending genuinely gave me chills because now I'm wondering what exactly happened to the convenience store, why Iroha could see it, and whether Itsuki actually went somewhere he wasn't supposed to.
I also really liked how you didn't explain everything at the end. It leaves enough mystery that I actually want to know what happens next. Definitely a creepy little cliffhanger.
Really enjoyed this!! I'm curious to see where you take the mystery from here
hi, thank you for reviewing my first publication! I didn't expect to get reviewed quickly, once again, thank you!
this is my first time writing creepy/horror story, so I was afraid that the feeling didn't get through to the reader, but I am so glad to read your review!
the open-ending was a choice I pick because I want to keep it short. and of course it will be exciting to continue developing the story.
once again, thank you so much!