metamorphosis

A Butterfly has landed to review your work!<3

Hi candyhearts! A Butterfly has landed to review your work, and I really enjoyed the strange, dreamlike quality of "metamorphosis." It was very much a transformation occurring in the moment, punctuated with strange images that give the world in which the speaker awakens a strange beauty.

The Egg

I reinvent to nasturtiums that lilt like newness.

I particularly liked the word "reinvent" as it made it seem like what the speaker was doing was a transformation of sorts. The flowers, nectar-coloured eyes, licorice coloured hair, lilies, and leaves make for a beautiful botanical atmosphere.

The Caterpillar Hatches

The castle imagery was one of my favourite parts.

In his room there's a tapestry of a castle, / purple, vampy.

" Purple, vampy" also gave the place a certain character, something that I think is part of what made the poem engaging because I never felt like I had to read anything in a particular way at all times.

Growing & Molting

I liked the juxtaposition of the newness and the familiarity in this part. The speaker is something new, but they are noticing rooms, ivy, flowers, tapestry, and the person at the heart of their thoughts.

The repetition of "There's no verse here" also stood out to me. As the speaker says that they write poetry about him, the phrase almost became a contradiction in itself.

Spinning the Chrysalis

The second stanza took on a more gentle note of intimacy. I enjoyed the contrast between the vastness of the firmaments and the castle and the smallness of the ivy and of breath.

My heart oozes there, from lily breath, a sigh,

"Heart" and "oozes" are such an unexpected combination. It makes this image feel very corporeal, like an oozing liquid in the lily breath.

The Transformation

The final stanza seems to press forward the transformation, with the speaker becoming a new body and presence wandering about this strange castle until they name themselves something that recalls one of the strongest images of the poem.

I am the wax bones.

This was probably my favourite line in the poem. It feels so fragile, eerie, and strangely beautiful.

Wings Taking Shape

I enjoyed the references to the Nile, the Negev, and Radcliffe, too. It was very much the case that I had to re-read some parts because there were so many images coming in at once. I think that some of the strongest images could have used a little expansion to make them last longer.

Breaking Free

The repetition helped to hold it all together, too. "I reinvent," "There's no verse here," and the recurring castle imagery provided an internal rhythm for me.

First Flight

What I appreciated most about "metamorphosis" is that it is not merely a transformation from one thing to another. It seems that the speaker has transformed into nature, a body, a presence in the castle, and finally transformed into the imagery of the poem.

Favorite Nectar

My favourite part was the ending

I'm the wax bones.

It is strange enough that it lingers after the poem ends, and I think that this is the mark of a good ending. The whole thing felt visual, surreal, atmospheric, and deliberately dreamy to me. I love how the poem invited the reader into this strange world without telling them anything.

Lovely work! <3

I like this. I also think you are missing something. What I think is missing is a little more pressure from the relationship itself.

I tell him I write poetry about him.
He tells me only, only: “good, good.”

His response sits inside your narrative extravagant language, and that imbalance is interesting -> his answer feels insufficient, perhaps distracted. What does the narrator do with that insufficiency? It could also complicate this reading if his response is tender and the narrator still feels unseen. Or... does the narrator not feel unseen at all? Is that just the language of their prior relationship, something only the two of them would know?

Also, unsure about the Nile/Negev stanza, though I like the thought behind it. It introduces blood, veiling, geography, another transformation in two lines. Those associations may matter deeply to you, but it took me, as a reader, a little time to experience their necessity. I think that anyone coming from a non-Abrahamic religion will struggle here - not that religious imagery is BAD, but I think you do not spend enough time setting up the why behind it being there, at that specific point. Either expand the poem enough to establish that, or try a version without it and see whether the castle imagery more in the forefront.

^ I do like the connection to the Negev though - evokes Abraham and Sarah, fitting for the "newness" you've mentioned - leaving Egypt, going somewhere new.

Anyway, I do like this a lot - I think you have such a deep command of your language and also a deep understanding of religious/Biblical texts. The imagery is undeniably very beautiful, and you tend to flow very associatively from image to image; that works very well with your theme, the concept of metamorphosing into something new/"better." I just think you need to figure out the middle stanza in context of the first and last, particularly the very concrete introduction of the lover. Why there? Why not earlier or later?

Great poem. Lovely work!

All the best.