Published March 3, 2007
When I look up into the dark
And stars fill up my eyes
I think: “A new universe could be out there,”
And it makes me feel amazing.
When I look up into the dark
Nothing can hurt me,
But I can see everything clearly
And something’s make me sad.
I think the world is so beautiful
But there’s so much violence,
So much anger and so much pain.
What can I do to stop this?
When I look up into the dark
I feel a sense of connexion.
That someone millions of miles away
Is looking up at the same beautiful sky as me…
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I like the idea of this poem, but I wonder if it addresses too many topics. You talk about connecting with other universes and other people, those parts I like, and I think would make a good poem themselves (by the way, did you mean to spell connection with the letter 'x'? I know it was spelled that way in a previous time period, but I here I can't tell if it is a mistake or )
I think you should further develop the idea of feeling alone and sad, but still connected; with this same idea, the topic of violence, and anger don't seem to fit.
Overall, I think you have some good ideas, but there are too many spread throughout this one poem.
Best of luck in future writing,
Amelia